Digital Life - Spider Magazine, Dawn

DIGITAL LIFE

By Waqas Hassan Sharif

Published in

SPIDER Magazine - The Dawn Group Of Newspapers

DATED: [ November 2008 Issue]

"Suicide Virus attack on C drive,

2 system files deleted, 8 damaged".

If Pakistan was a computer, what would be some

of the functioning software on the system?

Read on to find out

JUDGE ZIP 60 to 5:

JudgeZip 60 is the original and most popular of all ZIP judge utility. Wizard/Classic interfaces accommodate both first-time and experienced politicians. With JudgeZip you can quickly and easily compress and decompress non PCO judges and also existing PCO judges, lawyers and even the entire institute of Judiciary. You can easily encrypt and decrypt your cases. Features include tight integration with Windows Zardari and support for other prominent partners. Just one-click zipping can eliminate all your cases. JudgeZip adds new features for compression of the Lawyers’ Movement; the ability to ZIP cases directly from police stations and it comes with customizable penal codes, more encryption, corruption and compression. JudgeZip is patched up with NRO and is a must to ensure smooth running of your government. Encryption and corruption features get more than a new coat of paint in this version, with customizable judges, requirements can be fulfilled and all bugs of Atizaz and Kurd types can be compressed and depressed and eventually removed.

AIVG:

American Invasion Guard:

AIVG Free Edition is the well-known American Invasion protection tool. AIVG is available for free, just like the American Invasions on the North West Frontier borders and is extremely compatible with Windows Zardari if installed. AIVG protects your sovereignty like never before and provides high level American troop detection capability that millions of people across Pakistan should trust, to protect their territorial sovereignty. AIVG Free is easy to use and will slow your economy down (high system resource requirements). Highlights include automatic update functionality, the AIVG Missile Shield, which provides real-time protections as the Taliban are free to move in and out of the frontier borders. AIVG also provides the bare necessities, including a real-time shield to prevent American infections and American malware and American spy ware. The programme does tax your system when monitoring or when it is pretending to be monitoring in the background and has always proved ineffective in our tests. It provides fast, responsive defence against all types of malicious activities including drones, Predators, spy planes and other threats if they exist.

Anti Bomber 2.0:

(With Money Back Guarantee)

After the amazing and huge failure of Anti Bomber 1.0 it's high time to try out your luck again with our exclusive Anti Bomber 2.0 - Anti Bomb Attacks software.

It is a comprehensive, easy to use anti bomber programme, designed to offer reliable, free of charge bombing protection to embassies, higher government officials, foreign franchises and diplomats.

The AB 2.0 offers extensive recognition and detection of suicide bombers, killer dumper trucks, backdoor terrorist organizations, etc. Automatic incremental updates of terrorist signatures, banned organizations and terror plots.

Salient features include:

1. Protection against known and unknown threats using an advanced intelligence network.

2. Scheduler where you can set the scanner to make automatic scans or updates on your cities and towns.

3. Forum and phone support knowledge base with bombers’ descriptions available on the web site.

4. Special version for Five Star hotels coming soon.

5. Permanent bombing protection with real time monitoring of suicide bombers.

Z-IRC:

z-IRC is a full featured One to One Relay Chat client for Windows Zardari that can be used to communicate, share, play or flirt with local, foreign diplomats and American Vice Presidential candidates, either in front of the whole world media or in one-to-one private discussions. When released it was supposed to have a clean, practical interface that was highly respectable and decent but after installation the expectedly expected happened. It supports features such as love lists, hug transfers, forced connections and not to be spoken messages.

Sherry's Media Player:

Sherry's Media Player is especially designed for Windows Zardari that offers great new ways to control and master all your private channels and re-master the already under state control and owned media. The latest version has the ability to appoint anchors-turned-doctors from private to state owned media. Once installed, it gives you full control over the media and every thing goes Zardari ke Mutabiq. The new version offers great control over talkative news anchors. Sherry's Media Player plays it like never before.

Search Express:

Frustrated that finding things on your wanted list is so difficult? Search Express offers search capabilities like never before. Missing persons, Atta, Electricity, Sugar, Gas, Water, corruption free politicians, independent judiciary, wanted terrorist, criminals and Al-Qaeda number 1, 2, till 420, - it searches all, if installed. The most interactive feature Search Express offers is that it can provide search of your missing persons without involving the intelligence agencies. It offers great help to human rights organizations in achieving their goals. Easy to set-up and quick to configure, Search Express enables you to deliver search to your organization quickly and easily.

Desi Wire:

Desi Wire is Pakistan's fastest P2P (party to party) ministry sharing application for all types of ministries, including finance, railways, information, interior and many more. Other features include dynamic ministers querying and ministry previews before allotment of portfolios.

It provides equal distribution of ministries according to party seats in the assembly. Desi Wire's new ministry blocker gets rid of junk parties and ministers, and automatic updates will enable sharing faster than ever with the latest version.

Italian Bites - YOU! Magazine, The News International

Rendezvous

Italian Bites

By Waqas Hassan Sharif

DATED:[4th -November-2008]

Let’s start with Italy which is known for its rich culture and love and passion for cooking. Cuisine is definitely a very important aspect of Italian culture. Italian food is highly famed; greatly loved and tirelessly imitated the world over; it has been a source of pleasure and joie-de-vivre in countries far and wide. The exposure that has come with television and the internet has led to a raise in the awareness about Italian cuisine. Whereas previously people were restricted to thinking Italian cuisine was just about pizza and spaghetti, today you have all the opportunity in the world to get your hands on loads of Italian delicacies specially in the shape of food festivals.

Recently, PC, Karachi, organised an Italian Food Festival at Marco Polo in a bid to give Karachiites a taste of authentic Italian food. Mr. Junaid Ashraf, the General Manager of the hotel, at the inauguration ceremony briefed the guests about the specifications of the 3-day festival. "Our chefs have specially prepared Italian dishes that will add colour and excitement to your dinner," claimed Mr. Junaid. Whereas hotel’s Executive Chef Mr. Mohammed Iqbal gave a detailed brief about the food and ingredients used to make these delicious cuisines.

It was a delightful sight to see people relishing good food in a friendly atmosphere. Italian cooking is exceptionally varied, nutritious and healthy. As most dishes are cooked in olive oil weight conscious people were enjoying the delectable cuisine without worrying about the extra calories.

There was an array of Italian dainties to choose from whether it’s pasta, ravioli, fettucini or pizza. The appetisers were mouth watering and the soups were just right. The typical Italian bread gave an extra tang to the taste buds. We simply loved the salads which consisted of fresh tomatoes and olives, vegetable salsa, panzanella salad with tuna etc. For our main course menu we opted for Italian lasagne, pizza and pasta. The pizza with its thin crest gave a crispy flavour. We also tasted baked potatoes which were simply divine.

Italian desserts are perfect to end a meal, as they are neither heavy nor filling. These delights range in flavour from faintly bitter to sweet. Tuscan Meringue is one of the most popular Italian desserts. Some of the other popular scrumptious sweet dishes include Tiramisu with whipped cream chocolates and hazelnuts. We really enjoyed the scrumptious desserts decorated tastefully at one corner.

All in all it was a real treat for us to savour Italian food in a cool ambiance.

For You Eyes Only - YOU! Magazine , The News International

For Your Eyes Only

By Waqas Hassan Sharif

DATED:[4th-November-2008]

A lively and fully geared up venue was filled with sparkling celebrities from the media, corporate, fashion and the journalism fraternity at the Pool Marquee, Marriott, Karachi. The whole event was dressed in the classic black and white colour theme that represents Nokia N Series devices. The massive stage was well-lit with colourful disco lights that enhanced the ‘entertainment’ feel of the event.

The event kicked off at around 7:00pm by the glamorous host of the evening, Nyla Hazratjee who also happens to be a popular RJ on FM91 and a TV host. It was a pleasant surprise to see an evening event in Karachi start on time. The energetic Nyla gave a warm welcome to the distinguished guests. This was followed by an interesting video on the transformation of media that depicted how mobile phones have become the fourth screen of today’s life; cinema screen being the first, TV second and the computer as third. The video made me realise how true it actually is. Considering the fact that we go berserk if our cell phone is out of our sight for five minutes, it is true that a mobile phone has not only become something that’s very personal but at the same time it has become the personal gateway to entertainment, particularly after the advent of smart phones in the market.

After the video, Mr. Imran Mahmood, Country General Manager, Nokia Pakistan, was invited on the stage to educate the audience about the concept of convergence.

To the audience’s surprise, suddenly the lights turned dim, and a spot light was thrown on stage to highlight the six boxes placed on the stage; each one depicting a specific device icon: games, maps, TV and video, internet, photos, and music. Dancers came out of the box one by one and gave a special performance customised to the particular icon. It was a great idea an shows that Pakistan too is moving forward in full strides when it comes to stage entertainment. It was great to see the technology-inspired, matrix-like dance moves. The amazing features, like games, maps, TV and video, internet, photos, and music were brilliantly represented by each dancer and delighted the audience through and through.Just as the dance performance came to an end, the beautiful and sassy Iraj Mansoor appeared on the stage and did a ramp to showcase the new device. She was wearing an exquisite black evening gown that went well with the occasion. This marked the official launch of the particular mobile set in Pakistan.

The event ended on a happy note as the guests were served sumptuous dinner which delightfully brightened their moods. It is good to see that big companies are finally taking an interest in Pakistan and we too are doing things the right and bright way!

Education - Go To UK - US Magazine, The News International

Education
Go to the UK

By Waqas Hassan Sharif

After 9/11, going to the US to obtain higher education has become quite difficult. Getting admission into the American universities is the least of the problem the aspiring students face; the real catch is obtaining the visa. The other alternative is going to the UK, as the visa is not a big problem if one's papers are in order. After all, why not go for higher studies to a place which has centuries' old tradition of excellence in education?

One important thing: don't offer fake marks sheets or certificates to obtain admission; all your documents are sent for verification to the issuing authorities! Don't get bugged, folks, since there have been cases of doctored mark sheets.

What makes the UK the most attractive place for students is not David Beckham, or the birth place of Harry Potter for that matter, but the unique features of academic quality matched with a truly international experience, going beyond traditional modes of learning.

In order to cater to the needs of the students and increasing access to world class learning opportunities in the UK, British Council Education UK team organized a national counselling week for the students in the four major cities of Pakistan.

The counselling week started from the 26th of January as the British Council Education UK team along with school and university counselors, UK alumni and country based representatives of the UK institutions started off with a seminar in Peshawar and then travelled to Islamabad, Lahore and finally to Karachi, where the last series of the event concluded in a local hotel. The British High Commission's visa team also participated in the event.

In his opening speech at Karachi, Director British Council, Sindh and Baluchistan, Syed Mashood Rizvi highlighted the growing opportunities of higher education in the UK and also provided details about the new programmes of the British council.

In this session, the new British Deputy High Commissioner, Robert W. Gibson, also gave a speech highlighting the relationship between the two countries in the field of education. He spoke about ex-Prime Minister Tony Blair's initiative which is now in its second phase and is the UK's international strategy for the promotion of student exchange programmes and building sustainable partnerships between the UK's and Pakistani educational institutions. The British Council managed to reach about 4000 students directly and gave useful guidance to students.

During the counselling week, students had the opportunity to have one to one counselling sessions on study opportunities in the UK, career choices, application procedures, scholarships, IELTS, applying for UK visa and life in the UK.

The positives that students find in going to the UK for higher education are many: shorter duration of degrees as in the UK an undergraduate degree takes three years to complete and a master's in only one year, opportunity to work after degree completion, access to world class learning along with a quality social experience, to name few of the most attractive features of education in the United Kingdom.

WiMax - Technobytes, The News International

WiMAX

Data Transfer Made Easy

Complied By Waqas Hassan Sharif

WiMAX, the Worldwide Interoperability for Microwave Access, is a telecommunications technology aimed at providing wireless data over long distances in a variety of ways, from point-to-point links to full mobile cellular type access. It is based on the IEEE 802.16 standard, which is also called WirelessMAN. The name WiMAX was created by the WiMAX Forum, which was formed in June 2001 to promote conformance and interoperability of the standard. The forum describes WiMAX as "a standards-based technology enabling the delivery of last mile wireless broadband access as an alternative to cable and DSL."

Many companies are closely examining WiMAX for "last mile" connectivity at high data rates. The resulting competition may bring lower pricing for both home and business customers or bring broadband access to places where it has been economically unavailable. Prior to WiMAX, many operators have been using proprietary fixed wireless technologies for broadband services.

Due to the ease and low cost with which Wi-Fi can be deployed, it is sometimes used to provide Internet access to third parties within a single room or building available to the provider, often informally, and sometimes as part of a business relationship. For example, many coffee shops, hotels, and transportation hubs contain Wi-Fi access points providing access to the Internet for customers.

WiMAX has the potential to do to broadband Internet access what cell phones have done to phone access. In the same way that many people have given up their "land lines" in favor of cell phones, WiMAX could replace cable and DSL services, providing universal Internet access just about anywhere you go. WiMAX will also be as painless as WiFi -- turning your computer on will automatically connect you to the closest available WiMAX antenna.

How does Wimax works?

WiMAX would operate similar to WiFi but at higher speeds, over greater distances and for a greater number of users. WiMAX could potentially erase the suburban and rural blackout areas that currently have no broadband Internet access because phone and cable companies have not yet run the necessary wires to those remote locations.

A WiMAX system consists of two parts:

• A WiMAX tower, similar in concept to a cell-phone tower - A single WiMAX tower can provide coverage to a very large area -- as big as 3,000 square miles (~8,000 square km).
• A WiMAX receiver - The receiver and antenna could be a small box or PCMCIA card, modem or they could be built into a laptop the way WiFi access is today.

A WiMAX tower station can connect directly to the Internet using a high-bandwidth, wired connection . It can also connect to another WiMAX tower using a line-of-sight, microwave link. This connection to a second tower (often referred to as a backhaul), along with the ability of a single tower to cover up to 3,000 square miles, is what allows WiMAX to provide coverage to remote rural areas.

What this points out is that WiMAX actually can provide two forms of wireless service:

• There is the non-line-of-sight, WiFi sort of service, where a receiving device on your computer connects to the tower. In this mode, WiMAX uses a lower frequency range -- 2 GHz to 11 GHz . Lower-wavelength transmissions are not as easily disrupted by physical obstructions -- they are better able to diffract, or bend, around obstacles.
• There is line-of-sight service, where a fixed dish antenna points straight at the WiMAX tower from a rooftop or pole. The line-of-sight connection is stronger and more stable, so it's able to send a lot of data with fewer errors. Line-of-sight transmissions use higher frequencies, with ranges reaching a possible 66 GHz. At higher frequencies, there is less interference and lots more bandwidth.

WiFi-style access will be limited to a 4-to-6 mile radius (perhaps 25 square miles or 65 square km of coverage, which is similar in range to a cell-phone zone). Through the stronger line-of-sight antennas, the WiMAX transmitting station would send data to WiMAX-enabled computers or routers set up within the transmitter's 30-mile radius (2,800 square miles or 9,300 square km of coverage). This is what allows WiMAX to achieve its maximum range.

WiMAX operates on the same general principles as WiFi -- it sends data from one computer to another via radio signals. A computer (either a desktop or a laptop) equipped with WiMAX would receive data from the WiMAX transmitting station, probably using encrypted data keys to prevent unauthorized users from stealing access.

The fastest WiFi connection can transmit up to 54 megabits per second under optimal conditions. WiMAX should be able to handle up to 70 megabits per second. Even once that 70 megabits is split up between several dozen businesses or a few hundred home users, it will provide at least the equivalent of cable-modem transfer rates to each user.

The biggest difference isn't speed; it's distance. WiMAX outdistances WiFi by miles. WiFi's range is about 100 feet (30 m). WiMAX will blanket a radius of 30 miles (50 km) with wireless access. The increased range is due to the frequencies used and the power of the transmitter. Of course, at that distance, terrain, weather and large buildings will act to reduce the maximum range in some circumstances, but the potential is there to cover huge tracts of land.

WiMAX access was used to assist with communications in Aceh, Indonesia, after the tsunami in December 2004. All communication infrastructure in the area was destroyed, making the survivors unable to communicate with people outside the disaster area and vice versa. WiMAX provided broadband access that helped regenerate communication to and from Aceh.

WiMAX was used by Intel to assist the FCC and FEMA in their communications efforts in the areas affected by Hurricane Katrina.

^{WiMAX in Pakistan}

According to Juniper Research, a number of Asian countries, including Pakistan, will be the driving force behind the growth of Mobile WiMax, . The Asia and Australia region is expected to capture more than 50% of the total WiMax market by 2013.

Pakistan was one of the first countries in the world to roll-out a functional WiMax service. Now, it seems to be witnessing an explosive growth in demand after Wateen Telecom’s launch of its WiMax service and roll-out plans by the likes of Mobilink.

(1) Wateen - which is using WiMAX solution from Motorola and its cable/fiber network to offer triple play of phone, TV and broadband. Trials have been extended for over a year. Most aggressive to market their bundled solutions, they have started advertising without providing pricing and availability information.
(2) Mobilink - has formed a new entity called Link Dot Net (LDN) to focus on broadband market. WiMAX infrastructure was piloted by Mobilink in 3 cities and a recently issued RFP has generated 7 proposals to cover 5 major metros, including in-building coverage for high value business areas. Malaysia’s Dancom, which conducted early trials of WiMAX in Karachi, was acquired by Mobilink’s LDN in 2007. Mobilink also bought DV Com and its licenses.
(3) Burraq Telecom - which was acquired by ACT consortium which includes Qatar Telecom and Clearwire Corporation, an American operator providing WiMAX services in 10 countries, also plans to offer WiMAX.

The pricing has not been announced by these companies yet. Business users in Pakistan desperately need reliable broadband and are the desired customers because of their high affordability levels. Consumer market is different as demand varies by demographics’ low price is the dominating success factor.

Currently the high prices of WiMAX ‘customer premises equipment’ (CPE) make it more expensive than fiber, cable or DSL. Wateen and others are counting on the trend of falling hardware prices for WiMAX. They would have to compete with the latest PTCL broadband campaign in which PTCL has dramatically reduced DSL prices at Rs 1200 per month for 256kbps speed with a 2GB limit. As a last mile solution, WiMAX may not compete on price at this time but if WiMAX is reliable, fast and operators provide better customer service then business users may pay some premium for it, say as a replacement for leased lines.

Besides political instability, the lack of stable and cost-effective communications has been a major hurdle for Pakistan in becoming a major technology player. This availability of affordable wireless alternatives may offer some hope for the large pool of talented people that can help spur the growth of this sector.

Eid Attractions! YOU Magazine, The News International

movie time
Eid Attractions!

Eid and amusement are linked closely; this time around Eid is going to be extra special since some of the biggest hits are opening simultaneously for your visual pleasure on the first day of Eid itself. So, why not have some fun and hang out with your family or friends to amuse yourself visually by checking out one of these action-packed movies. Eid Mubarak!

Compiled by
Waqas Hasan Sharif
All movies will be shown @ Cineplex
and cinemas all over Pakistan.

DATED:[30TH-SEPTEMBER-2008]

Hellboy II

The Golden Army

The Golden Army is even more entertaining than its predecessor. Writer-director Guillermo del Toro returns to Mike Mignola's comic book creation for an upgraded sequel that offers more of everything while staying largely true to the source material. The film gains big points for its dazzling visuals and for significantly ramping up the fantasy-tinged screen fighting. The climax is a battle on top of giant revolving cog-wheels, which is splendidly staged.

It's a movie filled with exotic make-up effects, lush sets and costumes and even brilliantly conceived digital puppetry, all added to an equally enjoyable story with quality action. The screenplay is entertaining, even with a couple of plot holes. Not only are the creatures amazingly conceived, but there's a lovely sense of humour to it all as Del Toro references horror movies of the past and even the work of John Landis.

HELLBOY 2 can be added to a growing list of movies partaking in what one would call a design renaissance. This is another great super-hero adventure that's bound to be a big red franchise for years to come.

Death Race

Directed by Paul W. S. Anderson, the most astonishing thing about 'Death Race', a action-thriller, is the presence in its cast of Joan Allen and Jason Statham who continue their winning streak with Death Race.

The movie is notionally based on that '70s grindhouse classic, 'Death Race 2000', which starred David Carradine and the pre-"Rocky" Sylvester Stallone.

The movie is set in a hell-hole prison - it looks like a vast abandoned foundry - that houses "the worst of the worst": murderers, rapists, personal-injury lawyers. And Allen's character, Hennessey, is the warden of this place. She also presides over an event called Death Race, a sort of armored NASCAR tourney in which the fearsome autos are equipped with all manner of cannons, flamethrowers, even napalm, and driven by guys with handles like Machine Gun Joe (Tyrese Gibson, looking very 50 Cent) and the Grimm Reaper (Robert LaSardo). The prisoners competing for pardons in 'Death Race' have a huge arsenal at their disposal to use during the races. And they have little to lose.

But the real charm of the movie is its racing segments. And it is here that the film is quite simply awesome. The action is powerful and intense. It's insanely violent with decapitations, bodily explosions and practical effects of cars crashing and discharging weapons at each other. This movie is like much of Anderson's films, it offers exactly what action film fans would expect: squealing tires, blazing guns and spectacular crashes - a lot of fun to watch.

The Dark Knight

The Dark Knight, director Christopher Nolan has rewritten the rules for making a big budget movie. The film is an unbelievably intense, kinetic head-rush of a movie yet, simultaneously, a two-and-a-half hour meditation on the breakdown of society, the morality of vigilantism and a multi-layered rumination on good and evil.

'The Dark Knight' consumes itself with the idea of how corrupt some are willing to become in an effort to fight corruption itself. It's that undercurrent of irony that runs through the movie, lifting it, and it emerges as one of Nolan's major themes.

The performances both in front of and behind the camera are uniformly good. Morgan Freeman, Michael Caine and Gary Oldman, return in fine form; cinematographer Wally Pfester and production designer Nathan Crowley create a menacing universe of perpetual night plagued by uncertainty, at once fantastic and believable. The stunt work feels authentic and visceral, with less CG than audiences have come to expect from the genre. The rousing score by Hans Zimmer and James Newton Howard amps up the suspense and raises the stakes, without resorting to cheap sentiment. The overhead aerial shots of Hong Kong and nighttime Gotham are thrilling as are the heart stopping aerial stunts which achieve maximum impact when seen in IMAX.

Armed with some of the outrageous action scenes - 'The Dark Knight' is undoubtedly one of the best films of the year.

Late Summer Movies - YOU Magazine, The News International

Entertainment

Late summer movies

Compiled by
Waqas Hasan Sharif

DATED: [26TH-AUGUST-2008]

Guillermo Del Toro's Hellboy II has certainly the right ingredients to be a successful and totally satisfying summer release: it's an entertaining, visually stunning romp busy with fantastic ideas and well-rounded characters that more than compensate for the flimsy comic book storyline.

Hellboy's background is explored during the opening reel and the movie picks up from there. This movie is a ton of fun, yet it also makes significant artistic strides over the original. Everything about Hellboy II looks better: the set design, the make-up, the special effects and, of course, the creatures. Set in an underground world, Hellboy and crew fight the mechanical army amid giant cogs and wheels they have to avoid getting crushed in. Despite the lightweight, comic book plot, Del Toro's script is well-written and gives his characters much deserved emotional gravitas which is explored in several smaller subplots. Relationships, fatherhood, alienation -among other themes - are tackled to a satisfying degree without the film losing its playful and idiosyncratic appeal.

Hellboy II is a film entirely of this time that speaks in timeless images of Catholic grotesquerie and pre-Christian iconography, alive in the fire of invention and flights of fancy.

The film will be shown @ Cineplex cinema soon.

Directed by The Full Monty's Peter Cattaneo, The Rocker unspools the teased-hair tale of one Robert ''Fish'' Fishman (Wilson), who 20 years earlier was unceremoniously booted from a metal band shortly before they became platinum-selling monsters of rock. Since then, he's brooded, plotted revenge, and honed his high-hat chops. So when his high-school-age nephew's emo band, A.D.D., is looking for a new drummer, they give Fish a second shot at rock immortality. Needless to say, bittersweet life lessons are learned along the way. The Rocker isn't really about rock 'n' roll. It's more about middle-aged wish fulfilment. Many scenes in the film are very funny, such as one involving Demitri Martin as a committed music video director.

In a way, The Rocker seems like a vehicle for musical wunderkind Teddy Geiger, who is apparently big with the kids. Peter brings a light touch to the material but The Rocker is clearly indebted to the blueprint laid out by Almost Famous.

Directed by Andrew Fleming, Hamlet 2 mines the rich comedy in failure. The film employs an act structure with interesting titles and a theatrically inflated voiceover to narrate the story of Dana Marschz (Steve Coogan), a failed actor-turned-high-school drama teacher in Tucson, Arizona, who is fighting to save his department and his pride.

The film is a 'no holds barred' comedy that isn't afraid to be naughty. The actual play itself shows Hamlet traveling in a time machine meeting famous characters like Einstein and even Jesus, played by Dana himself. The songs are really funny. The movie has a great opening too, starting with fake commercials that Dana starred in before he was a teacher.

Andrew Fleming's direction is pretty bland and straight forward. Not bad, just ordinary. The script is all right, but the performances are what make this better than your average comedy. This is Steve Coogan's movie. He is 90% of why this movie works.

Nothing Really Happened - Us Magazine, The News International

Experience
Nothing really happened!

By Waqas Hassan Sharif

DATED: [22ND-AUGUST-2008]

Once upon a time, three weeks ago in a land not so far away, a new day had just dawned with the sun smiling much above the horizon. A cool, handsome and yes, single guy was ready to leave his home for a very educational journey, that is, towards his university. The guy happened to be me and did I mention single? Yes I did. Well, as I left home, I began to walk towards the bus stop which is about 600 meters away from my house. I always walk on the wrong side of the road so that I can see the traffic coming towards me rather than passing me by. As I approached the bus stop a sudden noise, like some heavy metal being dragged against the ground caught my attention. A guy, not-so-young and definitely not better looking than I am, was also about to start his day as he had opened his bungalow's main gate to take out his car. I looked with envy at the huge house which had a driveway that could accommodate eight cars at a time and that, too, parked in a line. The guy began walking towards his car which was parked at the end of the driveway. After I had fully invaded the privacy of the house by scanning it inside out, I turned my face towards the main road and paused immediately as my eyes caught a view that I can never forget. No, it was not a beautiful girl standing in front of me, I wasn't so lucky that day!

Two guys, who had come from the wrong side on their bike, overtook me from my left and stopped in front of me. One of the guys, who, I think was definitely better looking than me, almost jumped at me from the bike. As I saw this, I immediately knew what to do next as it was that time of the year again! My cell phone was about to be snatched!

After that I was not able to think what was going to happen and the only thing which came to my mind was a nice good bye which I was going to offer to my beloved cell phone which could go like this:

Oh my love

Though we have come a long way

Now the time has arrived for you to depart

To the world hereafter

A beautiful world filled with

Guns, bullets and lots of blocked SIMs

But wait: there was an easy way out, yes my friends, a way out.

The guys shouted, "Come here, beta, sharafat se," and I ran as fast as I could. It didn't even bother me that they had a gun. Aakhir goli, goli pe likha hota hai khanay walay ka naam, and luckily, that goli was not meant for me. But where could I run? Yes, you are a genius if you have guessed it. I ran into the house with the car porch, which, I love to repeat, could hold eight cars at a time. As I was literally running inside the house on the driveway I heard the noise of that bike speeding away and passing by the house. Yes the biker boys fled! Haahaa! The pair of losers couldn't even snatch a mobile phone!

I made it to the middle of the driveway, while the not-so-young man, who was about to leave for somewhere, had started his car's engines. He adjusted his rear view mirror and looked at me through it. I got confused not knowing what to do, as it was a very awkward situation. The guy just ignored me and moved on. I came out of the house and tried catching his attention. Finally we established eye contact. He looked into my eyes and I looked into his and we both paused for a minute… Okay people, this is going somewhere else... Then he left.

After this particular incident I got depressed. No, I became sad, not because I couldn't even thank him, but because no politics was involved in this incident!

Friendship Day Special - Us Magazine, The News International

WHY US MAGAZINE WHY?

I'M seriously nothing without you guys!!!

DATED:[1ST-AUGUST-2008]

Fatima, Meesam, Sumaiya, Ferrukh and Salman. We have been friends since 1998 and our artist Ferrukh has been making these pictures for our group 'Numerators' for the last three years. This picture is last year's and is undoubtedly the best one to date. I could have given our original picture, but this one represents us so well that our real picture looks nothing when compared to it. These four people are my life and no matter where I am and what I do, I know they are the people I will ALWAYS have... sometimes behind me and sometimes with me :)

Fatima

This is my best buddy with me at an undisclosed location. Do you know the best thing about this friendship? My buddy doesn't even know me, but he surely helps me out by gracing my 'Pollutics' articles whenever I need him! Here is to our continued friendship, as I now claim the honour of being 'the friend of the friendless'!

Waqas Hassan Sharif

This photo reminds me of the unlimited fun we had during our intercollegiate basketball practices. We went for our final match with more than 15 supporters. Unfortunately, we were not able to win but hey we were the runners up! After the match we went to KFC before going back to college. We had so much fun! We annoyed the assistant manager and the waiter a lot. He would ask us to go and sit on the table and wait for the meal but we wouldn't budge from the counter. We laughed our heads off. In the end we had Rs40 left, so we had a small single scoop. It was our last year in the college and the most memorable one.

Nayab Shakil

What? No, no... Just tell me, why are you looking like this? Are you jealous of my best friend, Blacky? I remember taking him out for a walk that morning when I observed a quote written at the back of a car, "The more I know people, the more I love my dog!" Blacky is my only best friend. He sleeps in my room, he's obedient, he's intelligent and he loves me like anything! It was probably two years back when he was a baby and my brother gifted him to me on my birthday.

In the beginning, I used to hate him. But one day I realised how much I loved him when Blacky's nose started to bleed due to some reason and I started crying! I love you, Blacky. Happy Friendship Day! Hamza Asad

No matter how busy life gets, I always have time to think about "Jani Gang". Hassan (Totti), Shayan (Shane), Ali (Sherry), Shahbaz (Timmy), Umair (Bugz), Amar (Rana Sahab), Ibrahim (Ibri), Arslan (Achu), Saad (Saadi) and Humza (Doc). None of us is really sure how we arrived at this name but that is what we used to call ourselves. From our morning boys' meeting to lunch in the break time and after school we made sure that we laughed with one of us taking the humour department into his hands. We had our routine fights but hey that is part of the deal. This picture is nearest to my heart with myself on the right and Hassan on the left. We were, what I proudly say, the exact definition of perfection: Na bohat baghairat na bohat sharif :P

Humza Asad

True friendship is a bond which makes people remember each other even when they are miles apart. We three friends Haya (Me), Nabeeha and Maria follow this very idea. Hailing from three different provinces of Pakistan, we met in USA at a cultural exchange programme. We share fun moments, joys and sorrows with each other and always make sure to send an SMS whenever anyone of us remembers an old joke, prank or story.

Besides the relationship with your family, one of the best relationships you can have is with your friends. You cherish each moment that you spend with them and share all of your secrets. We believe in only one quote: A FRIEND IN NEED IS A FRIEND INDEED. Standing by your friend whenever s/he needs you is what we call 'true' friendship.

My gang and I had a wonderful time at our university's annual picnic. Here in this pic is my buddy gang: Amna Ameer, Me (Meena Ahmed), Mehreen Masood and Sabina Rizwan. Love you, friends!

Breaking News! - US Magazine, The News International

Emergency

Breaking News!

By Waqas Hassan Sharif

This is Jeenay Do TV and we would like to break the news that President General Pervaiz Musharraf has imposed emergency in the country. We would like to remind you that we are the first channel to break this news! We are trying to contact higher government officials, but we are getting no answer. This time round, emergency has been imposed due to the ongoing security situation in the country. We will keep you updated with it, and of course we are always the first ones to report it. We will keep you up to date with the developments of today and bring you news, views, reviews and reviews of the news, views and reviews.

We have finally succeeded in contacting General Musharraf himself; let's see what he has to say.

JDTV: Slam, General Sahab!

Mush: What! Slam, yes I will!

JDTV: Sorry, sir, Asalam-o-aliakum.

Mush: Wasalam, pehele ye batao kahan se baat ker rahe ho?

JDTV: Sir, Jeenay Do TV.

Mush: Tum log! I have banned you people! Don't call me again. Bye!

JDTV: Sir, please sir, why aren't you talking to Us?

Mush: Aray baba emergency lagi hui hai, sub channels per pabandi hai, tum se baat ki tu sab se kerni paregi, mujh ko bhi jeenay do, bye!

JDTV: Looks like General Sahab has disconnected the call, we will try to contact him again.

JDTV calls again!

Mush: Who are you and where are you calling from?

JDTV: Sir, we are calling from PTV.

Mush: Ok, good. What's up?

JDTV: Sir, we want to ask why, how and when did you impose emergency in the country?

Mush: Yaar, bhai dekho, abhi two hours pehle I decided to impose emergency. So I called 15 and rescue 1122 in Punjab.

JDTV: 15 and Rescue 1122?

Mush: Aray baba emergency mien in logon ko hi call kertien hain na, abhi tum call rakhoge to Edhi waloon ko bhi call karoonga.

JDTV: Judiciary has been suspended. Why, sir?

Mush: Oye! Where did you say you were calling from?

JDTV: Sir, ummh...aammh, PTV.

Mush: You think I am stupid? Tumhara number agaya CLI per mere pass. Ye tu Dubai ka number hai. Jhoot boltay ho.

JDTV: Nahi, sir. We are not lying. We are seriously calling from PTV.

Mush: Oye, kon sa PTV.

JDTV: Sir, Private Television.

Mush: Acha mere saath game khelte ho. Abhi tum sab ko band kerwata hoon. Mera mood acha nahi hai aaj, pangaa na lena mujh se.

JDTV: Extremely sorry, sir, itni muskil se call milli hai. Sir, please baat tu kerlien na thori se aur, please!

Mush: Pehle ye batao where did you get my number from. I have just bought a new sim. It's not even registered.

JDTV: Sir, woh girls college ke bahir dewaar per likha tha aap ka number, aur likha tha 'call me babes, I am free!'

Mush: Kya?

JDTV: Sorry, sir. Woh BB se mila aap ka number!

Mush: Mujh ko maloom tha, ye private sim maine chupke se li thi sirf BB se baat kerne ke liye. Acha khair, ask me whatever you want to ask.

JDTV: What's PCO?

Mush: Public Call Office.

JDTV: Nahi, sir. Jo aap nay impose kiya hai 1973 Constitution ke badlay mien.

Mush: Woh PCO, bhai listen to me, this is a marketing strategy. Mobiles ke waja se PCO business has suffered a lot. Sab ke paas mobiles agaye koi PCOs jata hi nahi tha. Ab PCO ki publicity ho gi tu in ka thora kam dhanda chalay ga.

JDTV: Sir, why have you banned all private channels including entertainment, music and sports ones?

Mush: Aray kahan ban hain sirf tum logoon ke...

JDTV: Sir, wait, hold kerain!

Mush: Main hold keroun, are you in your senses?

JDTV: Sir, please, sir, woh time check chalana hai.

Tick tick tick!! tungggg

12:00 o' clock, this time check is brought to you by

Home Land Insecurities

Jis tarhah abhi 12:00 baje hain, usi tarha agar aap ke chehre per bhi apni biwi se lernay kay baad 12:00 baj chuke hain to fikar na ki jiye ga. Hum hain na! Ab hum aap ko muaqa deitey hain! Aap bhi apne ghar mein emergency nafiz ker saktay hain. Is tarha aap apni biwi ke tamaam huqoq chien saktay hain aur us ko nazarband bhi ker saktay hain!

Agar aap aisa kerna chahain tu abhi dial kijiye 0900-420-420*

(*call charges @ Rs 72 per minute, exclusive of taxes)

JDTV: Hello, sir, you there?

Mush: Haan bhai hoon!

JDTV: Sir, we have Dr. Shahee Masoor in the studio with us. He would like to ask some questions.

Mush: Nahi, nahi. I don't want to talk to him. Demagh ki dahi ker deta hai. What's the next question?

JDTV: Sir, please answer the previous question first.

Mush: Haan tum logoon ke channels kyun band hain, listen to me, they are banned because you people are promoting terrorism, hatred for the government etc etc.

JDTV: Promoting terrorism, hatred for the government! How, sir?

Mush: Let me explain, listen to me. Let's start with terrorism. Tum logo ka channel hai AAG TV! Uss per humesha chalta rehta hai kay AAG laga do AAG laga do. See the reaction to that! So many fires have started breaking out in Karachi. Suicide bombing hoti hai tu sab se pehle AAG lagti hai, phir come to entertainment channel! Khuda k ay Liye mai request kerta hoon, ab bas bohat ho gaya Khuda kay Liye maine 10 martaba dekhli aur tum log is kay promos chalana band hi nai kertay ho! Aik hi cheez bar bar - boring and monotonous. Ab kab tak Iman Ali ko dekhein!

JDTV: Sir, what about sports and especially the news channels?

Mush: They are promoting hatred among the people for the government.

JDTV: Sports channels?

Mush: Abhi Pakistan India ki series chal rahi hai. Expert opinion ke liye tum log Imran Khan ko call kertay ho. He doesn't talk about cricket. He starts talking against ME, and my government. Same with the news channel. Ye batao woh tumhara promo tha Geo Musharraf ya geenay do Musharraf! Woh band ker kay BB kay chalana start kerdia. How dare you?

JDTV: Sir, that was a part of the presidential election coverage.

Mush: Have I taken the oath for the second time as president?

JDTV: No, Sir.

Mush: So start airing them.

JDTV: Okay, sir

Mush: I mean now!

JDTV: Now, okay, sir.

Mush: And listen all Geo Musharraf should go on air!

JDTV: Yes, yes, of course, sir.

Promos go on air!

AWAM KI AWAAZ....

GEO MUSHARRAF ya JEENAY DO MUSHARRAF

SADARTI ELECTION 2007!!

Message 1

Aap kay dor mien hum ko waqt ki ehmiat ka andazaa hua. Her channels per, har 15 minute baad time check chalanay se. Hum awam ko waqt ki qadar hui.

Geo Musharraf!

Message 2

Aap kay dor-e-hukoomat mien SMS 7.5 paisas ka ho gaya! Hum ko paisa ki ehmiat ka andzaa hua.

Geo Musharraf!

Message 3

During your rule we were very happy to find a new national hero, commander safeguard!!

Geo Musharraf!

Message 4

Your slogan of Enlightened Moderation has helped us a lot in getting dates. Girls are easier to get. Geo Musharraf!

JDTV: Sir, is it okay!

Mush: Yes, yes abhi Duraani say keh kar cable on kerwata hoon!