Interview with President Zardari!

INTERVIEW WITH

PRESIDENT ASIF ALI ZARDARI

UNPUBLISHED DUE TO CURBS IMPOSED BY SO CALLED DEMOCRATIC GOVERNMENT IN THE COUNTRY

"All characters appearing in this work are fictitious. Any resemblance to real persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental"

Ladies and gentle man, bhaiyon aur un ki behno. After the phenomenal success of GPM (General Pervez Musharraf) we proudly and forcefully present

PAAZ!!!

No, this is not a new mobile company. Read on to find out!

Mr Ghost: Hello and welcome Mr. President

President Asif Ali Zardari: The pleasures are all mine.

MG: Sir, My first question is-

PAAZ: No actually, I am going to put the first question to you.

MG: Yes, Mr President?

PAAZ: Where are your shoes, both of them?

MG: Sir, I have deposited them at the security along with my mobile, video camera, belt and even my pen.

PAAZ: That’s very cooperative of you. You know throwing items is restricted.

MG: Yes, sir I got that.

PAAZ: The American intelligence may have failed but our intelligence agencies have confirmed reports that there is going to be a shoe-cide attack on me.

MG: You mean suicide attack.

PAAZ: Ya, that too.

MG: My first question is that the 18th February election bought hope to the people of Pakistan but none of the promises made by you came true. Why?

PAAZ: Yay Jamhoriat per hamla hay

Jamhoriat kay khilaf sazish hay

Jamhoriat ko destabilize kerna chahtay hain

Shaheed Bhutto ka piagham le ker pooray Pakistan mien jai ge.

MG: Sir, inflation is increasing; there are now more internal and external threats, load shedding, Judiciary, nothing seems right.

PAAZ: Yay Jamhoriat per hamla hay

Jamhoriat kay khilaf sazish hay

Jamhoriat ko destabilize kerna chahtay hain

Shaheed Bhutto ka piagham le ker pooray Pakistan mien jai ge.

I don’t want my first interview for Us to be boring. I hope that I am not being monotonous.

MG: No sir, not a bit. You are just helping me increase the word count.

I won’t let you be monotonous; this country is going through a tough time like always; my next question to you, sir, is that who is your favorite actress?

PAAZ: Yay Jamhoriat per hamla hay

Jamhoriat kay khilaf sazish hay

Oh sorry, the answer would be Ashwaariya, Angelina, all the Jennifers , Meera,

MG: Thank you, sir, that would be enough.

PAAZ: Preity, Rani and yes also Sherry Rehman.

MG: Fair enough. Sir, you got rid of General Pervez Musharraf.

How do find the new army chief?

PAAZ: I would like to make it clear I am not afraid of anybody.

MG: I meant what is the difference between Pervez Musharraf and Pervez Kiyani?

PAAZ: First you tell me what’s the difference between Pervez Kiyani and Hadiqa Kiyani?

MG: Is that a question?

PAAZ: Yes.

MG: Hadiqa sings to the nation and the nation sings to General Kiyani.

PAAZ: Exactly.

MG: Yes Sir, the nation sings for help.

MG: Sir, tensions with India are on the rise. Have you talked with the Indian Prime Minister?

PAAZ: Yes.

MG: How did it go?

PAAZ: First of all I congratulated him on the completion of Kyun Ki Saas Bhi Kabhi Bahu thi, and offered my condolences on the death of Baa in the last episode. Oh boy poor Muhtarma Baa Shaheed!

I think the Indian government should release new Rs.10 coins with Baa on them!

MG: How did Prime Minister Manmohan Singh respond?

PAAZ: First he got all emotional and started crying like a baby. Then his defense minister Pranab Mukherjee intervened and blamed the ISI for the act.

MG: How could he blame the ISI without any proof?

PAAZ: Exactly. I also protested and asked Pranab Mukherjee whether he was related to Rani Mukherjee or not?

MG: That’s one good diplomatic move.

PAAZ: Yes and guess what? Pranab is not related to Rani Mukherjee.

MG: Wow sir! Cool, did you get to talk to Manmohan Singh?

PAAZ: Yes, he cried over the telephone saying look what terrorist have done to my Mumbia.

MG: And your response?

PAAZ: I said,

Yay Jamhoriat per hamla hay

Jamhoriat kay khilaf sazish hay

Jamhoriat ko destabilize kerna chahtay hain

Shaheed Bhutto ka piagham le ker pooray India mien jai ge.

MG: Sir, the Indian Prime Minister also summoned the ISI chief on this issue.

PAAZ: Yes, I told him this can be done only if we have a deal.

MG: What deal?

PAAZ: I told him to give us Katrina in exchange for the ISI chief.

MG: He must have responded negatively.

PAAZ: Yes, I offered him to take Kashmir and the ISI chief, but still he said no.

MG: Very thoughtful of the Prime Minister I guess.

PAAZ: I knew that Indians don’t want any negotiations.

MG: But India has also threatened us with war.

PAAZ: I told Manmohan Singh that we are not afraid of you and we stand united against any Indian aggression.

MG: Yes sir, we stand united.

PAAZ: Manmohan Singh then started singing:

Singh Is Kinng,

Singh Is Kinng ,

Singh Is Kinng…….

MG: Did he, sir?

PAAZ: Yes, I told him we are not afraid of you Sardar. You only come in handy when it comes to forward text messages.

MG: Mr. Manmohan must be really angry.

PAAZ: He threatened me by saying we have USA, Russia, and Israel on their side.

Who does Pakistan have?

I replied we have FATA.

Mess with the Best

Die like the Rest.

MG: Wow sir, what a reply, I am not missing my shoes now.

MG: Mumbia attacks are believed to be India’s 9/11.

PAAZ: Pakistan everyday goes through some sort of 9/11

MG: I think Pakistan’s 9/11 was on the 6^th of September.

PAAZ: Yes you are right, hey wait a minute I was elected President on 6^th of September!!!!

MG: Sir, I was just kidding. Let’s lighten up your mood.

Sir, how was your meeting with Sarah Palin?

PAAZ: very loving and affectionate.

MG: but she also lost in elections.

PAAZ: She had too. She was very bad at speeches.

MG: Seriously?

PAAZ: Let me show the video I made of her on my cell phone.

(Video gets played)

Sarah Palin addressing a gathering!

SP: My Fellow Americans

Aaj bhi McCain zinda hain

Kal bhi McCain zinda tha.

Tum kitnay Muslims maaro ge

Haar Muslim Obama nikle ga!

Hum America mien Democracy lie gai!

Hum adliya bahaal kaare ge.

MG: Sir, who would even vote for her after such a speech!

PAAZ: Pakistanis would!

MG: Sir, last question to you

Sherry Rehman OR Sarah Palin

PAAZ: Of course Sherry Rehman!

MG: any special reason?

PAAZ: My Desi Girl , My desi girl

Who’s the hottest in the world?

My Desi girl

MG: Sir we have to leave it over there, next line song ki theek nahi, any ways thank you very much for the interview.

PAAZ: The pleasures are all mine!

MG: Thanks every one for being with us and in the end I would like to say:

Mujh ye fikar nahi ke ye mulk kasie chale

Mujh ye bhi fikar nahi ke ye aise hi na chalta rahe

Mujh ye fikar hian ke ye mulk aur kitne din chale ga!!

It's theatre time - YOU Magazine - The News International

It's theatre time

Want to take a respite from action/thriller movies? Take your kids to a family movie like Marley & Me or plan a trip with your girl friend to watch Bride Wars to a theater near you...

Compiled by Waqas Hassan Sharif

DATED:[27-JANUARY-2009]

Bride Wars

The stress of preparing for a wedding can bring out the worst in the bride to be so just imagine how much more taxing it would be if the biggest competition to your perfect day was your best friend? That's the dilemm faced by the lifelong friends and alpha brides Liv (Hudson, 'Fool's Gold') and Emma (Anne Hathaway) in the entertaining comedy 'Bride Wars'.

Bride Wars deviates from the usual wedding-flick routine of maids of honour who should be the bride (or groom). And even though the catfighting goes over the top, the notion that a passionate female friendship can turn ugly in a heartbeat is, sadly, realistic. Women friends have a sharp sense of one another's soft underbelly, and what we love about our best girlfriends can easily be turned into ammunition following a betrayal. We know how to hurt one another.

The story is slight, and a little sitcom-predictable: Hudson and Hathaway play two childhood BFFs, raised in Jersey and living in Manhattan. Both women have spent their lives dreaming of a June wedding at the Plaza. After finding an engagement ring, Liv begins planning for her big day but Emma actually gets a proposal from her boyfriend first, setting the stage for the two to battle over who gets married at the luxurious Plaza Hotel since their weddings were erroneously scheduled for the same day.

The comedy is all about these bazooka-brained brides and their holy right to treat a wedding as more important than, you know, marriage. The whole thing goes by quickly and painlessly, providing a few laughs, some decent lines and the requisite hard-core, high-fashion details - the sort of vicarious window-shopping that movies like this need to deliver as regularly as punch lines.

Hudson doesn't shy away too far from the romantic comedy genre and gives her typically dependable performance, but Hathaway is the real treat here. Hathaway has proven to be one of the most versatile actresses in Hollywood. Her role here is a stark departure from the serious drama as she gets to cut loose and have fun.

Hudson and Hathaway make for a great comedic pair and will keep you laughing all the way down the aisle. All in all, it's a good girlfriend movie and a decent date-night picture. It won't change your life, of course.

*The film will be shown @ Cineplex cinemas soon.

Marley & Me

Some movies capture your heart from start to finish. Such a film is 'Marley & Me' which is based on the book by John Grogan. This true tale is about the building of a family, the challenges of parenthood, and most of all, about the role dogs play in our lives.

Directed by David Frankel (The Devil Wears Prada and several Sex And The City episodes), 'Marley & Me' is a relatable and entertaining film that laughs knowingly at one dog's mischief-making and the owners growing accustomed to him. "The story is about the highs and lows of being young and in love and encountering the challenges of marriage. It also deals with the dreams that get sacrificed for the joys of children, and about the challenges of balancing career and family," says the director.

In 'Marley & Me' newlyweds John and Jennifer Grogan (Owen Wilson and Jennifer Aniston) welcome a cuddly bundle of joy into their home only to discover that it's more than they can handle. The feisty puppy that grows into an untamed dog named Marley wrecks their house but wins their hearts.

Dog lovers everywhere cannot miss this film. "Marley & Me" tells the story of not only man's best friend, but of a dog becoming a member of the family and sharing memories with all that will last a life time. The deft touch with which it addresses spouses' and parents' professional and personal trade-offs proves this to be a more substantial and poignant picture than expected for what appears to be merely a cute dog movie. Owen Wilson and Jennifer Aniston gave amazing performances.

'Marley & Me' may not be quite up there with Steve Martin's 1989 movie Parenthood, but in exploring the notion that marriage, children and the pressures of a career make for hard but joyous work, it's a refreshing return to comedies that deal with something other than dating. 'Marley & Me' is a family film that will have you laughing and crying in equal parts. Children who are not overly sensitive will enjoy the movie even in the final sad moments.

* The film is being shown @ Cineplex cinemas

Back in action! - YOU Magazine - The News International

Back in action!

By Waqas Hassan Sharif

DATED [18-NOVEMBER-2008]

‘Quantum of Solace’ is an actual sequel of Casino Royale with Daniel Craig now firmly establishing ownership of 007 on his second outing...

Opera plots are often far-fetched and illogical. We shouldn’t be surprised that Bond movies are the same. At their best, they provide us with the same excitement and escapism. Bond is the longest-running film franchise (‘Quantum of Solace’ is No. 22). Previously, the Bond films have been a series, but ‘Quantum of Solace’ is an actual sequel - an approach Ian Fleming used in his books, but which was dropped from the movies because the novels were filmed out of order.

Daniel Craig has really settled into the role of Bond, making it completely his own and even bringing a slightly softer side that previous Bonds have lacked. Blue eyes on fire and jaw set to resolute, Daniel Craig clearly owns Bond in Quantum of Solace: but it’s the relentless pace, the quality of art direction and production design - in fact, director Marc Forster’s sheer technical ambition - which raise the bar and make this one of the most remarkable action films ever made.

The story carries on where ‘Casino Royale’ left off. Intelligence surrounding an MI6 traitor who almost kills M (Dench) sends James Bond (Craig) to a bank in Haiti, where a case of mistaken identity introduces him to beautiful Camille (Kurylenko), a woman with her own vendetta. She in turn leads him to ruthless businessman Dominic Greene (Amalric) who is also linked to the mysterious organisation that blackmailed the woman Bond loved. Bond’s mission takes him to Italy, Austria and South America as he discovers Greene is conspiring to take control of one of the world’s most important natural resources and must find a way to stop him.

Frenetic, full of chase sequences and sudden switches in location, the film has a demented energy about it. Bond has been shown racing through gutters, alleyways and over rooftops. We’ve seen him in a motorbike and on a boat. Not much later, he’s in a plane. The breathless antics may be more Jason Bourne than James Bond but that doesn’t prevent 007’s latest excursion from exerting a fierce grip that never really lets go of your senses from the traditional opening car chase - this time in the Italian Alps - to the closing scenes across the arid plains of Bolivia.

In an era marked by franchise bloat, it’s entirely admirable that ‘Quantum of Solace’ is the shortest Bond movie to date - it drops a great many of the long-running series mannerisms (callous quips, expository lectures, travelogue padding, Q and Moneypenny) as it globe-trots urgently from Italy to Haiti to Austria to Italy again to Bolivia to Russia with stopovers in London and other interzones.

As for the Bond girls, Olga Kurylenko is superb as Camille (delivering an impressive Spanish accent) and her hard-edged quest for vengeance leads to one of the best scenes as Bond advises her on how to kill her prey. Gemma Arterton is equally good as Agent Fields (we only find out her first name during the end credits), but she’s given woefully little screen time, to the point where you wonder if some of her scenes were cut out. As a more typical Bond girl, Gemma Arterton dispenses a disarming brand of cool chic.

With Daniel Craig now firmly establishing ownership of 007 on his second outing, the franchise looks safe in his hands for further global domination at the box office. Tightly scripted, it delivers handsomely on spectacular set pieces in exotic locales from the Italian Alps to arid planes of Chile. All in all strong performances, a hard-edged script and terrific action sequences make Quantum of Solace a highly enjoyable Bond movie.

* The film is being shown @ Cineplex and cinemas all over Pakistan.