The Commando And The Chick - Us Magazine, The News International

Story
The Commando And The Chick

By Waqas Hassan Sharif

DATED: [18-04-2008]

Five thousand feet above the highest battle ground in the world in the mountains of Siachen; it was pitch-dark when the injured commando was finally able to take shelter in a cave. After catching his breath, he took stock of his situation. He was out of ammunition, his wireless had been battered when he had fallen down after his parachute had become entangled in a tree, and he was being chased by the enemy. Drawing a deep breath, he reached into his pocket and took out the photograph…of his first and only love, Saima. At such a difficult time those pretty, I mean fat eyes, were what electricity is to Karachiites. For those of you who are thinking 'who is Saima' yes, you are right; she's the famous Lollywood actress now happily married to Syed Noor.

Thinking that Saima was no longer single almost gave our brave commando a heart attack in his kidneys. As our brave hero started to gear himself up, he saw a bright light at the end of the cave. He got confused and thought for a moment that the enemy had caught up with him. He started to walk towards the light and saw a beautiful girl with big yellow eyes, long lush brown hair oiled with sarsoan ka tel and a nose which resembled that of Pinocchio. Amidst such chaos - a heavy battle going around and sounds of the double barrel guns - the view of that beautiful chick in the cave for our soldier was again like electricity to Karachiites.

"Who are you?" The soldier inquired.

"I am the Tooth Fairy Chick."

"The Tooth Fairy! What are you doing here?"

"I am supposed to help a brave, injured soldier, have you seen any lately?" The chick replied.

"Yes, I am the one. I mean I am injured and need to contact my base station. Can you help me?"

"Of course," the chick replied.

"But how? Do you have a wireless?"

"No, but I have transport available. I will get you to the nearest hospital. You are bleeding very badly."

In the meantime, a heavy shell hits the cave and the walls of the cave start to collapse.

"We should hurry! The enemy has found us. Where's your transportation?" the soldier asked.

The chick leads the commando to a car.

"Wow! The new Ferrari. How did this machine land here?"

"It's a WHS story, so anything is possible. But don't worry, we won't be using her."

"But why? We need to move fast."

"It's out of CNG aur waise bhi 1600 CC se ziada per ban hai, waise I have got a Honda CD-70," boasted the chick.

"What? Why CD-70?"

"Because main tae Honda ie liesaa!"

"Fine, but don't tell me that the bike is out of petrol."

"Nahi, nahi, diesel full hai tank mien."

The solider and the chick embarked upon their bike journey and it started galloping its way through the mountains and the war zone.

The Chick: "Please stop at the next roundabout."

Solider: "Why?"

"I need something to eat for our journey, there's a tuc-LU shop over there."

The Chick: "Yo pan wala dude, please pack 2 meetha pan and 2 rupees ki tasty chalia and 3 rupees ka city gutka."

Pan wala dude: "Yes, sure. That would be Rs15.

"Oh, I am 2 rupees short!"

"Don't worry, Chick. We accept credit cards."

"That's cool. Let's move, soldier boy!"

Our hero and heroine proceed towards their destination!

The Chick: I am bored. Can you please switch on the radio?"

Soldier: You have a radio! On this horse? Wow!

"Hello, I am your crazy RJ >DJ>VJ and you are listening to your favourite radio station FM-W11. Request your songs live right now on 111-111-W11. Right, now our first request is for the song Hungami Halat by Atif Aslam. Enjoy!"

The Chick: I don't like Atif Aslam, can I request a song?

Soldier: "And how will you call this radio station?"

"From my cell phone, DUH!!!!"

"You have a cell phone?" asked our soldier boy angrily.

"Haan na, mera naya KG LPG 125. Full time masti non stop fun! Saab kuch tu hai is mien."

"Why didn't you tell me? I would have called my base station!"

"Ouch! I have no credit."

"Pehle nahi bata sakti thi, pan wala dude se easy load kerwalete.

"I am sorry."

A Concorde - 747 bomber arrives and starts bombing our cold couple. Our brave hero, in a desperate attempt to save our heroine, takes the bike deeper into the woods, that too in Siachen. The thick snow covered trees provided cover to the couple.

The Chick: "Oh, an uncle of mine lives down the next lane. We can make a pit stop over there."

A fierce snow blizzard starts and the commando is forced to meet the uncle. They enter the cottage and find a man sitting alone by the fire-place having a big jug of espresso lassi.

Soldier: "Hello, can you help us?"

The man with the big espresso lassi jug turns round and our commando gasps in surprise.

"General Sahab, aap!"

GPM: No, dear. I am retired now, but yes you are still going to salute me."

"What in the world are you doing here and in uniform?"

"It's – 40 degree C BRRRRRR!! Please yahan utarnay ko mat bolna; and yes, you can salute me now.

"I am sorry, sir, but you know the rules. I have to contact the base commander. Do you have some sort of communication with Siachen base camp?"

"No, I don't. But you are safe here for the time being."

"Sir, I am a commando and I have to carry my mission out."

"Ok, I understand. Let me do some thing. I will be back in a couple of minutes. Till then there is a first aid kit here. Get your self patched up."

GPM leaves the room, leaving the chick and Mr. Commando alone in the room.

The Chick: "Hey, I got the first aid kit. Let me help."

She starts to band aid the soldier.

The Chick: (extremely softly) "You know you are kind of cute and I'm kind of cuter and we are the leading male and female characters in this story. So if we go according to our script, it's high time that we go for a romantic song now."

Soldier: "I think we should, but first tell me one thing: is this a First Aid kit or Flirt Aid kit?

Romantic Song:

Gulabi galooo wali

Sharabi ankhon wali

Hasinaa itraati hai kitna!!!!

Papi papi papi chuloo

Please zara ja ke muo tu dholoon

Kachra re Kachra re

Tere Kaare Kaare naina

Tujhe dekha tu ye jana sanam

Hungaaaaami Halaaat

The Chick: "What was that?"

Soldier: "That's an extract from the Shakespeare poem competition about to be held in Us magazine."

As soon as the song ended, the chick got a call:

"Haan, Chick, it's me – GPM."

The Chick: "Yes, what happened"?

"Get me the commando."

Soldier: "Sir, please give me good news."

"Yes, it's good news. A helicopter evacuated me 2 minutes ago and I am in Isloo now."

"Sir! What about Us?

"Haan Us, dekho woh corner wali table per hai. Read it and enjoy!

But how does the story end?

To find out the fate of our dashing commando, the editor should ask the interested writers to send in the ending to WHS at 'nut_crack@lululand.com'

After all, it's a WHS story! Anything is possible.