Everyone needs a stick
By Waqas Hassan Sharif
It was early morning and the president was enjoying a nice cup of tea with the first lady. The cosy interlude was broken by shrill screeching from outside. Anticipating yet another
Mush to the first lady: They are not lawyers, they are all females, and damn! None of them is hot!
Mush calls Information Minister Durrani.
Musharraf: Durrani, what's happening?
Durrani: Sir, the female students of Jamia Hafsa are demanding the imposition of Shariah in the country.
Mush: Acha aik kam ker, ask Shaukat to call me.
Shaukat Aziz calls after a long time.
SA: You wanted to talk to me, sir?
Mush: Maine kab kaha tha aur tu ab phone ker raha hai.
SA: Sorry, actually credit khatam ho gaya tha, abhi abhi Rs.50 ka easy load kerwaya hai.
Mush: You are such a miser. Why don't you take a post-paid connection?
SA: Gladly, but first increase my salary.
Mush: What's happening?
SA: Sir, the female students of Jamia Hafsa have kidnapped a woman on charges of
Mush: What, their own court! What happened to the civil courts?
SA: Well, technically sir, since you fired the Chief Justice, and the acting one is not acting at all, all the lawyers are busy picnicking on the roads playing the updated version of 'Chor Police'. They are calling it 'Lawyer Police', so the civil courts are not functioning.
Mush: What rubbish! I will take care of this issue. You go and attend the Saarc conference and don't play any hanky panky with Sonia Gandhi.
(Mush's secretary walks in)
Sect: Sir, we have to do some thing.
Mush: I know. Let's have them arrested.
Sect: On what charge, sir?
Mush: Well, they are creating noise pollution.
Sect: Sir, I am talking about the Pakistan cricket team...
Mush (interrupting): Get them arrested, too!
Sect: On losing to Ireland? That would be harsh. Who did you want arrested in the first place?
Mush: The chicks outside.
Sect: Oh, dunno know anything about them, but the people are demanding answers and are very angry with the team.
Mush: Umm
Sect: The PCB management, selection committee and the captain have resigned.
Mush: Ok, get me Inzi on phone.
Mush: Hullo Inzi!
Inzi: Hello, sir.
Mush: What have you and your boys, excluding Rana Naveed of course, done? You people lost again and have given Imran Khan another chance of minting money by criticising me. Do you know what I am going to do? I am going to sack the ad-hoc committee and the new committee will comprise the management and students of Jamia Hafsa; they will teach you all a lesson. You and the boys stand in great need of the sticks being wielded by Jamia Hafsa commandos.
Inzi: Sir Salam, first of all I would like to thank Allah, yes
sir, the girls are doing a good job.
Mush: Abay, why the hell do you start every sentence by 'first of all...?'
Inzi: Sir jee, dekhain na main retire ho gaya hoon. If you bring Jamia Hafsa in the PCB, tu main tu bach gaya and the rest of the boys, including Rana, phass gaye. Aur sir, jahan tuk Imran bhai ki baat hai tu aap ko kya lagta hain Jemima Bibi un ko chor ker kyun bhagi?
Mush: Why have you been out of form for such a long period now?
Inzi: Wo jon sa hain na sir wo George Bush. Since I played with him, I have been out of form. Bush ne mujh ko nazar lagadi!
Mush bangs the phone.
(Qazi Hussain calls in)
Mush: Hell-O, who is this?
Qazi: It's me, dude. What's up?
Mush: What's wrong? Why are you bothering me so early in the day?
Qazi: I need you to get me arrested for few days.
Mush: Why again?
Qazi: It's damn hot outside and the lawyers are calling me to come with them to protest against the removal of the CJ. I don't want to go out in the heat.
Mush: Ok, done. Don't worry. Do you want any one else arrested to keep you company?
Qazi: Imran Khan.
Mush: But why Imran?
Qazi: He will acquire a tan if he accompanies the lawyers. And then more gori maimain will become interested in him. I will feel jealous - they don't give me a second glance and go ga ga over him!
Mush: Rubbish! What do you know about Jamia Hafsa?
Qazi: Jamia Hafsa? What's this?
Mush: What, you don't know about Jamia Hafsa and you call yourself a Qazi!
Qazi: The number you have dialled is not responding. Please try later.
Mush: Phir bhag gaya!
(Secretary walks in again)
Mush: What's the latest on Jamia Hafsa issue?
Sect: Sir, the Jamia Hafsa people have claimed that people came to them and complained about those immoral women, and since the policemen were engaged in corruption, they took action. They also said that if anybody calls them or complains about anything, they would take action.
Mush: What are they, the Justice League or the Power Puff girls!
Sect: We have tapped their emergency hotline, and people are calling for help already.
Mush: What? A hotline?
Sect: Yes sir, 0900 - 786 - 007
Mush: Do you have any recordings?
Sect: Yes, sir. I am playing it.
(Recordings get played)
Welcome to Jamia Hafsa call centre. For English, press 1, for Arabic, press 2 and for Urdu, press 3.
You have pressed 1 for English. For domestic issues, press 1, for international issues, press 2 and to talk to our call centre personnel, press 3.
Caller: Hello
Person @ call centre: Welcome to Jamia Hafsa complaint centre.
Caller: Bhai, it's raining cats and dogs and the Clifton underpass has become flooded. There is a bad traffic jam. What do we do?
Person @ call centre: It is the new policy of the government to fill underpasses with water.
Caller: What?
Person @ call centre: Sir, the opposition is opposing the Kalabagh Dam, but the rainwater has to be stored somewhere. At present, underpasses are the best option.
Caller: Ok, thank you.
Caller 2: I have not been receiving drinking water for a long time. What do I do?
Person @ call centre: Sir, you can always try your nearest underpass.
Caller 3: Hello, this is Haroon, the singer!
Person @ call centre: Yes sir, I recognise your voice. What's your problem?
Haroon: My albums are not as hot as those of Fakhir. What do I do?
Person @ call centre: Stop composing your own music!
Caller 4: Hullo, hullo, I am a big fan of your service. Please play my request 'Saathiya' by Ali Khan. My complete address is Gali number 100, Ghar number 420/9211. I will wait for your surprise gift.
Person @ call centre: Ma'am you have dialled a wrong number!
Caller 4: But I am a big fan...
Person @ call centre: Ma'am, you have dialled a wrong number, thank you for calling Jamia Hafsa hotline.
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