Good Luck Mr.Gilani - Us Magazine , The News International

Politics
Good luck!
Mr. Gilani

By Waqas Hassan Sharif

DATED: [6-JUNE-2008]

Prime Minister Gilani: Asif bhai, I am getting bored. Please tell what I am supposed to do today?

Asif Zaradari: Today, as always, you have to keep on pretending that you are the Prime Minister of this country.

PMG: Come on, I need to do some serious work now.

AZ: Okay fine, here let me give you some work.

You start your day by watching the Nadia Khan Show and tell me all the latest gossip from Bollywood and also tell me ke guest kon sa aya tha aaj. Aur haan happy birthday to you bhi wish kerna mujh ko.

PMG: Then, Sir?

AZ: Then you are going to watch the food channel and tell me what recipe Chef Zakir prepares today. Note down each and every instruction. In clean and neat hand writing. I would prefer it if you get it typed. Report back to me at 11:00 PM. Don't forget to sms me IPL scores after every over.

PMG: Sir, I prepared a report yesterday but you didn't even go through it.

AZ: Oh, I'm sorry. Acha tell me what happened in Kyun Ki Saas Bhi Kabhi Bahu Thee last night?

PMG: Sir, enough is enough, can't I meet some foreign delegation at least?

AZ: Okay fine, today I will arrange for you a meeting with the ambassador of ChituBianka.

PMG: ChituBianka? Are you sure it's a country?

AZ: Google it. If it doesn't exist we will deal with it later. Now, you do the tasks I have assigned to you.

PMG: Nobody takes me seriously; even the media is making fun of me.

AZ: Don't worry, how many times I have told you that Aiwan-e- Sadar is plotting all this. Tata!

PMG: Hello Sherry, Zardari sahib nie aaj aik new list di hai, please take a look.

Sherry: Sorry. This is too much. I can't do this everyday.

PMG: Don't you know who I am?

Sherry: Of course I know, dude. After all, I am the information minister. Please try to understand I am busy, I have to check out what Aishwarya was wearing at Cannes Film Festival. There is this gorgeous snap of hers in today's Instep Today. Bye!

PMG receives a call.

AZ: Gilani? It's me. I have a real job for you now. Guess what, you are going to meet President Bush

PMG: Seriously! Sir, you must be joking! President Musharraf always meets Mr. Bush.

AZ: Baba Sien, pack your bags, you are going on a trip of your lifetime.

Prime Minister Gilani meets President Bush at Sharm-ul-Sheikh

PMG: It's great to meet you, sir.

Bush: Me too, boy, me too. By the way, who are you?

PMG: Sir, I am the prime minister of Pakistan.

Bush: You must be the new guy. What happened to my friend Short Cut Aziz? Never mind, so you are the new stooge.

PMG: Yes sir.

Sir call for you.

Bush: Excuse me, uh… what was your name? I remember it! Gilani. Excuse me boy, I have an important call to make.

Bush on the phone.

Bush: Hi homie, what's up jiga?

After 45 minutes

Bush: It was nice meeting you, Gilani. Thank you for coming.

PMG: But sir, we are supposed to discuss issues.

Bush: I was on the phone with your co-chairman and Musharraf. Between us, we managed to settle all the issues.

Come with me, boy, we have to address a joint press conference together, be cool now.

Ladies and gentlemen, the President of the United States.

Press: Mr. Bush, please tell us some thing about your meeting with the new Pakistani leadership.

Bush: Well, it was great. Musharraf and I discussed all the issues. I also talked to co-chairman, and Prime Minister Zaradari…

Press: Mr. President, are you satisfied with the new government in Pakistan?

Bush: Yes I am, the new guys are listening to us more than we expected.

Well guys, it would be real nice of you to put some questions to the Prime Minster himself.

Press: Mr. Gilani, what's your favourite colour?

PMG: Uh, it's black. I like black.

Press: Are you sure? Have you consulted with your co-chairman on this issue.

PMG: Yes, I am sure. I consulted all the coalition partners on this issue.

Press: What were your feelings when you saw Mr. Bush in person?

PMG: I was so happy! It felt like, well, I'm the real Prime Minister of Pakistan.

Press: Please tell us about the peace deals with the tribal elders in Pakistan.

PMG: well, our government is-

Press: Sorry sir, the question was addressed to Mr. Bush.

Bush: Well, our government, I mean our government in Pakistan is making peace deals. We have great reservations over the deal. USA has nothing to do with peace.

Thank you for your questions!

Mr. Bush: Good job, Gilani, you were definitely better than Short Cut Aziz!

Contesting parties for Ill-Actions 2008! - US Magazine , The News International

Illactions
Contesting parties for Ill-Actions 2008!

By Waqas Hassan Sharif

DATED: [15th-February-2008]

According to the press release of the Ill-action Commission, the nomination papers of the following parties have been accepted and they have been allotted with their respective election symbols for General Elections 2008.

Following are the parties, their manifestos and election symbols.

The Us Magazine Party

Election symbol: Us magazine

Party manifesto: This party is the only party with a female leader.

Us is the most educated party of the country.

Seat adjustment will be preferred with the PML (N).

Us will be made a daily mag.

The paper quality will be of extremely high standard.

All communities of Us on the Internet, including Orkut, will be banned; instead, a separate website will be launched which will include forum discussions and will be monitored 24 hours.

Writers and contributors will be paid by cheques on yearly basis.

All problems in Trust Us will be solved according to the constitution. Guru will be sent on forced leave.

Trust Us issues will be immediately directed to the Supreme Court.

Greetings page will be banned for life.

Letter section will only be open to letters which contain praise; but negative stuff about other rival magazines will be welcomed.

Us hopes to form the most powerful government in the history of this country, as it will have the full backing of the US government and also of the most powerful media group in Pakistan.

P.S. Us magazine party is not a subsidiary of the US government.

Party Slogan:

Kyun ho sirf Punjab para likha

Us magazine read kero

Pakistan ko para likha banao!

The Rickshaw Party

Election Symbol: Silencer

Party manifesto: Rickshaws will be made a status symbol.

The party, after forming government, will produce a film 'Fast and the Furious IV- Rickshaw Drift' in order to improve the image of rickshaw.

All rickshaws will be fitted with air-conditioners and Ferrari engines.

The president, prime Minister, provincial ministers and other important personalities will be provided with bomb proof and bullet proof rickshaws.

No discrimination will be tolerated and for that purpose Islamabad will no longer be a rickshaw free zone.

All other modes of public transportations will be banned to lessen air and noise pollution.

CNG rickshaws will be banned.

All rickshaws without silencers will be banned.

Party Slogans

Silencer hatao,

Soti awam ko jagao!

Rickshaw Party, Zindabad!

The Burgers Party!

Election Symbol: Zinger Burger

Party Manifesto: We are burgers, dudes! We rock, like totally!

All cheap activities which look cheap to us will be banned, like totally.

Shalwar qameez will no longer be the national dress. The new national dress would comprise short shirts and hipster jeans for guys, and sleeveless tops and mini skirts/jeans for chicks.

Co-education will be made compulsory.

It will be obligatory for all guys and gals to start dating when they cross 14 years of age, like seriously, dudes! Get a life!

English will be made the national language.

Dance parties will be made compulsory in all educational institutions, and, of course, there will be no restrictions on having them in private. In order to do this we are already trying to pursue the APDM (All Parties Dance Movement) to take part in the elections.

Chicks in burqas will not be tolerated.

Defence and Clifton will no longer be known as burger areas. We are Pakistanis, man. Chill!

Food items on thelas will be banned.

Party slogan

C'mon, Barbie!

Let's vote for Burger Party!

Pakistan Mobile Snatchers Party

Election Symbol: 9mm Pistol

Party Manifesto: Use of mobile phones to be made compulsory for all age groups.

All citizens will have to carry mobile phones and cash at all times. Failure will result in execution under (our) laws!

No mobile phones worth less than Rs.10,000/- will be put on sale.

Obtaining of Duplicate SIM will be made easy and free of cost.

Nobody will be allowed to carry weapons.

Police and other security firms will be banned.

No person will be allowed to carry less than Rs10,000/-cash.

Women will not be allowed to leave their residence without wearing jewelry.

No organization will be allowed to use security cameras.

Pillion riding will never be banned

Ali Zafar will not be harmed anymore; we give our words of honour. There are many other singers besides him!

Party Slogan

Mogambo khush howa!

Aab tera kya hoga Kaliaaa!

The Models' Party!

Election symbol: The Ramp

Election Manifesto: There can be seat adjustment with the Burgers Party.

Only hot female models will be appointed as ambassadors to other countries.

All fashion shows to be broadcast LIVE.

All attires will be allowed at any place.

A fashion university will be setup.

A special fashion police will be established to keep a check on every citizen's wardrobe.

Bad dressers will be fined.

Only branded clothes will be allowed.

Zainab Market will be converted into the fashion capital of the country.

Obesity will not be tolerated and over weight people will be jailed.

Only low calorie food items will be made available in the market.

Masala TV and BBC Food will be banned.

All food products from cheese, pizzas to golaa ganda will carry nutritional values on their packaging.

Party Slogan

Wanna look hot?

Then vote for the Models' Party!

The Mulla Party

Election Symbol: The burqa

Election manifesto: The Burgers Party and the Models' party will be exiled.

All women will wear shalwar qameez and a buqra.

Two dupattas will be compulsory for all women instead of one. One on shalwar qameez and one over the burqa!

Men will not be allowed to wear western outfits.

Beard for men and women will be compulsory from age one.

Any boys found in front of female educational institutes will be tried according to terrorism laws.

MTV will be converted into NTV- a new 24-hour naat channel.

All television channels will be put off air. Only news channels will be allowed, with the condition that no female newscasters will be on aired.

Dating will be allowed, but only after marriage.

Fashion shows will only be allowed for females - they would be about burqas, of course.

Music will be banned and all the singers will be exported to India.

Photographs will be removed from passports, CNIC, visas, admit cards etc as photography will be banned.

No extremism will be allowed.

Party slogan

Tere husun ko kissi ki nazar na lagay

Burqa pehen aur apnay aap ko bacha!

Pakistan Media League PML (Newspaper)

Election Symbol: Paper

Party manifesto: Coalition government can be formed with Us magazine party.

All news channels will be directed to break the news the next day after 12:00 PM.

Newspapers will be circulated on hourly basis.

Online issues of all newspapers will be blocked over the Internet.

New censorship rules will be made.

It would be compulsory for time checks to be published in newspapers.

All companies will be made to advertise in the newspapers at least 5 times a week.

All promotional campaigns will be made through newspapers.

The president and the prime minister will address the nation only through newspapers.

The press clubs will be converted into five star entertainment arenas.

The paper and print quality will be made good for all newspapers.

Nobody will be allowed to wrap items like samosaas in newspapers.

Use of newspapers to absorb oil from fried products will be strictly prohibited.

Selling of newspapers as raddi will not be tolerated and will be considered as blasphemous.

Newspapers will be circulated through courier service.

Party Slogan

It's not just paper! It's paper, but with a twist.

Pakistan Media League PML (Electronic)

Election Symbol: Television

Party manifesto: No channel could be banned in future! To do that, an amendment will have to be made in the constitution.

PEMRA will be abolished.

No license will be required to air a channel.

In our government no such things as "Landing Rights" would exist.

All competitive Indian and international channels will be banned.

All channels will only be allowed to be on air for 15 hours of advertisement daily.

All events including news, music, dramas, talk shows, sports, shootouts, wars, bomb blasts, accidents, saas bahu fights will be broadcasted LIVE.

All the people responsible for the above, especially the last 4 categories, will notify the channel at least 2 hours in advance before performing their respective acts.

There will no such thing as EXCLUSIVE for any channel.

All exclusive materials will go on air simultaneously on all channels.

All English news channels will broadcast news in Urdu.

The sarkari TV channel will be privatized.

All households will have television sets according to the number of family numbers.

Channels will follow no ratings, and no censorship will be done.

Time checks will be aired on minute to minute basis.

The Student Party

Election Symbol: Student Biryani/Pharra

Party Manifesto: Our party believes in true democracy and so there will be no one man show.

There would be no principals in schools, as dictatorship will not be tolerated.

Decisions will be made by the elected student body of the school.

Any change in the rules and regulation of schools shall be done through voting.

Voting would be free and fair and would be monitored by the student body of the school.

There will be no uniforms in school.

Subjects like Mathematics, Chemistry, Biology and Physics will be banned.

Pakistan Studies course will be shortened up to 80%.

Schools will remain closed from Monday to Friday and will reopen on weekends only.

No centres will be formed for board exams and the students will take their exams in their respective schools only.

Every classroom will have an air-conditioner and a 50 inch LCD screen.

There will be a special period daily for watching television.

Movies will be shown every alternate day.

It would be compulsory for a student to take exams when and where he/she wants.

Co-education will be made compulsory.

Bonfires, dance parties, concerts and school trips will be held on weekly basis.

There will be no restriction on use of cell phones, iPods, Mp3 players, Play stations, Xbox etc in the classroom.

All major international fast food restaurants including Mc Donald's and KFC etc. will establish their franchises in schools.

The students will be provided with latest laptops and Wi-Max Internet.

Students will check their books, test papers, exam papers themselves.

Party Slogan: Tum kitnay pharray cheeno gai, her jaib say pharra niklay ga

End of Press release

Happy Voting!!!

Interview with Aliya Imam - YOU Magazine, The News International

YOU & ME

Aliya Imam

Interviewed by Waqas Hasan Sharif

DATED: [24-JUNE-2008]

We have a lot of female models, artists, designers, singers but when it comes to directors... we have just a few of them. Initially, it was considered as a man's domain but with time women have started venturing into it as well. Among the few names, Aliya Imam stands tall in the field of film making. Starting off her career in early '90s, her directorial debut was 'Saza' which then lead to another hit serial 'Aik Tasveer Aur'. Recently, her soap 'Sirf Ek Baar' is gaining her accolades from the industry as well as from the masses. Amongst sitcoms, 'Boom boom', 'Mera Ghar No.1' and 'Salma Aur Sitare' are under her credit while 'Kuch Larkian' will be aired soon from a local TV channel. She has even acted in a number of plays and few music videos. In her recent project 'Thora Sa Asmaan' she has played a memorable role. And, if you think that's all... you are wrong! She has even hosted a couple of live shows and is about to hit our screens with 'Saturday mornings' very soon. For now, read on the one liners from our versatile and talented artist, Aliya Imam...

- You get disappointed when...

People don't turn up on time on sets

- Your most valuable possession

My good old Singer sewing machine

- You love the most

My nephews and nieces - Shees, Zulal, Lama and Lubaila

- You get thrilled

When I see my nephews and nieces playing in the garden

- Your philosophy of life

Simplicity is the beauty of life

- When you get bored you...

I stitch. It's a relief therapy for me.

- You enjoy the most

Playing cards and driving

You like men who are...

Supportive and caring

- Your favourite hang-out

Arizona Grill

- You wish you were...

Aliya Imam

- You are afraid of

Losing my family

- When feeling low you prefer

Kids' company

- One thing you hate about yourself

I forget things

- Your feeling when people recognise you

I feel elated

- Qualities you would like to see in your future husband

He should not be a liar and should get up early

- Describe Aliya Imam in three words

Naughty, bubbly and chatty

Political Chit Chat - Spider Magazine, DAWN

Politically Spoofing

POLITICAL CHIT CHAT

By Waqas Hassan Sharif

Published in

SPIDER Magazine - The Dawn Group Of Newspapers

DATED:[JUNE 2008 Issue]

Pakistani politicians go high tech. In order to escape the ever vigilant media, they decide to use

‘chat room’ politics to hatch new deals.

Here is a conversation gleaned through a new Internet watch dog…

Asif Zardari signs in:

Asif Zardari says: Where is Nawaz, why isn’t he here yet?

Asif Zardari changes nick to A to Z.

A to Z says: Nawaz is always late, itni time mien tu judges bahaal ho jatay and why the hell am I chatting with myself?

Nawaz Sharif has just signed in.

A to Z: Welcome, brother,

Nawaz Sharif: Hi Asif Bhai, kya haal hain? It’s Shahbaz, Nawaz bhai is coming. I am using his ID.

A to Z says: Ok, tell him to hurry. We have a lot of work to do.

Nawaz Sharif says: Can I ask a question?

A to Z says: Go ahead, Shahbaz.

Nawaz Sharif says: asl plz

A to Z says: ha – ha – ha very funny, call your big bro at once.

Nawaz Sharif says: Haan Asif Bhai aur Allah Tallah ke fazlo karam se I have signed in.

A to Z: First of all I would like to thank Allah God you are finally online.

Nawaz Sharif: Bhai kaise nahi ata, awam ka heavy mandate hai mere pass. But why have you called me here? There are lots of cities remaining in the world where we can meet.

A to Z says: First of all, change your nick and then I will tell you.

Nawaz Sharif changes nick to Bara Sharir.

Bara Sharir says: Now, tell me!

A to Z says: My brother, this chat room is my place of peace and zeal; no body can disturb us here. We can discuss all major issues here in complete privacy.

Bara Sharir says: Yani no media, no cameras, no paparazzi?

A to Z says: Exactly bro! Na hum per aab kissi ki Nazar hogi, and no body will tell us ke is tarha geo ya us tarha geo.

Bara Sharir says: Cool! Now I UNDERSTAND THE DIFFERENCE.

A to Z says: What took you so long in coming online?

Bara Sharir says: Shahbaz forgot the password.

A to Z says: By the way, what’s your password?

Bara Sharir says: My password is I love Musharaf.

A to Z: I LOVE MUSHARAF , that’s your password!

Bara Sharir says: Yes, even the ISI can’t guess my password; nobody can hack my account. Waise I have got a serious problem.

A to Z says: Tell me some thing new?

Bara Sharir says: My PC has become very slow; it takes about 10 minutes to boot.

A to Z: Tell me your system configuration.

Bara Sharir: Bhai solid system hain mera.

Intel Core 2 Quad, 2-Gbx2 Ram

A to Z says: Wow, cool system! Which operating system are you using?

Bara Sharir says: Windows 98

A to Z says: People are using Longhorn and you are still stuck on 98, why?

Bara Sharir says: Last time I was Prime Minister in 98, so you see the emotional attachment.

A to Z says: So when will you get an update?

Bara Sharir says: When are the next ill- actions?

A to Z: I hope not so soon.

Unknown user has just signed in

Bara Sharir says: Ye kon aya, Asif bhai?

A to Z says: He’s a nice friend of mine, senior to us

salam kero!

Bara Sharir says: Salam unknown user bhai, how are you?

Unknown user has changed nick to GPM.

Bara Sharir says: What the hell and no salam to GPM, A to Z let’s leave, what is general sahab doing in our chat room?

A to Z says: Relax, Nawaz. Welcome to Zardari House - Online Edition GPM.

Bara Sharir says: No, I am leaving. This chat is against the constitution of 1973. I am boycotting this chat, good bye.

Bara Sharir has left the chat room

A to Z says: So how is life Mr. GPM?

GPM says: I am fine, A to Z, Thank God Nawaz Sharir left. Let’s make a quick deal then.

A to Z says: Sir, I am not in mood to discuss polutics, can we talk about some thing else?

GPM says: Tell me, yaar, I need to buy a 3d card, which one should I choose?

A to Z says: Depends on the game you wana play, which game do you want to play?

GPM says: Pakistan in Conflict - Return of the Judges

A to Z says: It’s a very heavy game. You need strong support. I am upgrading my system, and planning to buy the NEO category mentioned in SPIDER.

GPM says: NEO category, that’s so cheap. Raise your standards, dude; you are the government! Awam ke pasie ka kuch tu kero.

A to Z says: I will, can you please tell Mr. Bush not to interfere in my government

GPM says: Don’t worry He won’t, I taught him a lesson.

A to Z says: really how?

GPM says: He was bugging me over Military aid, I warned him aab kuch bola tu phir YouTube band kerwado ga. He is pretty calm now.

A to Z says:

GPM says: I only want to tell you that there is no way that judges can be reinstated.

A to Z says: Why?

GPM says: Listen to me, it’s a serious issue. The problem is that I am using pirated version on Windows on my PC. Judges bahaal hotei hi mere oopar Bill Gates case kerde ga piracy ka.

A to Z says: Install genuine software on your PC.

GPM says: No way. I bought XP cd for Rs30/-! I am not wasting Rs.6000/- on a CD. After all, ye awam ka paisa hain.

Bara Sharir has signed in.

A to Z says: Buddy, you are back.

Bara Sharir says: Aur Allah ke fazlu karam se I am back. Asif Bhai I have come to save you from this dictator.

GPM says: :):):):):)

Bara Sharir says: What so funny, GPM?

GPM says: Your password I LOVE MUSHARAF you have such sweet secret feelings for me.

Bara Sharir says: A to Z, you told my password to GPM, you made a deal?

A to Z says: No, I didn’t. GPM, how do you know his password?

GPM says: I know everything. After elections I ordered all intelligence agencies to monitor Sharir’s PC. I sent him a mail which contained a Spyware. He opened the mail and my work was done. Sharir, why do you think your PC is running slow?

Bara Sharir says: I didn’t receive any mail from you.

GPM says: You did. It’s subject was how to get rid of 58-2(B) and General Musharaf. Remember?

Bara Sharir says: Yes I did. See, Zaradari Bhai, I told you mere khilaf Aiwan Sadr se sazish horahi hain.

A to Z says: GPM, this is not a good move. Should we protest?

GPM says: What about you people spamming my mailbox with all those hate mails? My 100 GB account got full, which is why I had to impose Emergency.

Well I am off to Bush’s chat room. You see, jab tak Bush, tab tak Mush!

GPM has left the chat room

A to Z says: Well, well, well… I think I need to go on urgent family business; my polo horse is sick.

A to Z has left the chat room

Bara Sharir says: now what do I do, I have no choice but to announce to this empty chat room that my party is leaving the federal cabinet.

A to Z has just signed in

A to Z says: What!! .You are leaving what??

Bara Sharir says: didn’t you left?

A to Z says: I was in offline mode.

Bara Sharir says: you were avoiding me

A to Z says: not exactly!

Bara Sharir says: I e-mailed you a draft regarding the judge’s reinstatement issue.

A to Z says: I don’t read spam mail

Bara Sharir says: You think I sent you junk mail? 12^th of May has passed away and still no judges.

A to Z says: I stated the date but not the year.

Bara Sharir says: ok, now as a protest my ministers will be leaving the cabinet.

A to Z says: but my cabinet is already locked

Bara Sharir says: this is not a joke, I will protest on the streets too!

A to Z says: whatever dude!

CHP has just signed in

CHP just kicked Bara Sharir out of chat room!

A to Z says: wow! Who are you CHP?

CHP says: Hamara Khuwab

Para Likha Punjab!!