Illactions
Contesting parties for Ill-Actions 2008!
By Waqas Hassan Sharif
DATED: [15th-February-2008]
According to the press release of the Ill-action Commission, the nomination papers of the following parties have been accepted and they have been allotted with their respective election symbols for General Elections 2008.
Following are the parties, their manifestos and election symbols.
The Us Magazine Party
Election symbol: Us magazine
Party manifesto: This party is the only party with a female leader.
Us is the most educated party of the country.
Seat adjustment will be preferred with the PML (N).
Us will be made a daily mag.
The paper quality will be of extremely high standard.
All communities of Us on the Internet, including Orkut, will be banned; instead, a separate
Writers and contributors will be paid by cheques on yearly basis.
All problems in Trust Us will be solved according to the constitution. Guru will be sent on forced leave.
Trust Us issues will be immediately directed to the Supreme Court.
Greetings page will be banned for life.
Letter section will only be open to letters which contain praise; but negative stuff about other rival magazines will be welcomed.
Us hopes to form the most powerful government in the history of this country, as it will
P.S. Us magazine party is not a subsidiary of the US government.
Party Slogan:
Kyun ho sirf Punjab para likha
Us magazine read kero
Pakistan ko para likha banao!
The Rickshaw Party
Election Symbol: Silencer
Party manifesto: Rickshaws will be made a status symbol.
The party, after forming government, will produce a film 'Fast and the Furious IV- Rickshaw
All rickshaws will be fitted with air-conditioners and Ferrari engines.
The president, prime Minister, provincial ministers and other important personalities will be provided with bomb proof and bullet proof rickshaws.
No discrimination will be tolerated and for that purpose Islamabad will no longer be a rickshaw free zone.
All other modes of public transportations will be banned to lessen air and noise pollution.
CNG rickshaws will be banned.
All rickshaws without silencers will be banned.
Party Slogans
Silencer hatao,
Soti awam ko jagao!
Rickshaw Party, Zindabad!
The Burgers Party!
Election Symbol: Zinger Burger
Party Manifesto: We are burgers, dudes! We rock, like totally!
All cheap activities which look cheap to us will be banned, like totally.
Shalwar qameez will no longer be the national dress. The new national dress would
Co-education will be made compulsory.
It will be obligatory for all guys and gals to start dating when they cross 14 years of age, like seriously, dudes! Get a life!
English will be made the national language.
Dance parties will be made compulsory in all educational institutions, and, of course, there will be no restrictions on having them in private. In order to do this we are already trying to pursue the APDM (All Parties Dance Movement) to take part in the elections.
Chicks in burqas will not be tolerated.
Defence and Clifton will no longer be known as burger areas. We are Pakistanis, man. Chill!
Food items on thelas will be banned.
Party slogan
C'mon, Barbie!
Let's vote for Burger Party!
Pakistan Mobile Snatchers Party
Election Symbol: 9mm Pistol
Party Manifesto: Use of mobile phones to be made compulsory for all age groups.
All citizens will have to carry mobile phones and cash at all times. Failure will result in execution under (our) laws!
No mobile phones worth less than Rs.10,000/- will be put on sale.
Obtaining of Duplicate SIM will be made easy and free of cost.
Nobody will be allowed to carry weapons.
Police and other security firms will be banned.
No person will be allowed to carry less than Rs10,000/-cash.
Women will not be allowed to leave their residence without wearing jewelry.
No organization will be allowed to use security cameras.
Pillion riding will never be banned
Ali Zafar will not be harmed anymore; we give our words of honour. There are many other singers besides him!
Party Slogan
Mogambo khush howa!
Aab tera kya hoga Kaliaaa!
The Models' Party!
Election symbol: The Ramp
Election Manifesto: There can be seat adjustment with the Burgers Party.
Only hot female models will be appointed as ambassadors to other countries.
All fashion shows to be broadcast LIVE.
All attires will be allowed at any place.
A fashion university will be setup.
A special fashion police will be established to keep a check on every citizen's wardrobe.
Bad dressers will be fined.
Only branded clothes will be allowed.
Zainab Market will be converted into the fashion capital of the country.
Obesity will not be tolerated and over weight people will be jailed.
Only low calorie food items will be made available in the market.
Masala TV and BBC Food will be banned.
All food products from cheese, pizzas to golaa ganda will carry nutritional values on their packaging.
Party Slogan
Wanna look hot?
Then vote for the Models' Party!
The Mulla Party
Election Symbol: The burqa
Election manifesto: The Burgers Party and the Models' party will be exiled.
All women will wear shalwar qameez and a buqra.
Two dupattas will be compulsory for all women instead of one. One on shalwar qameez and one over the burqa!
Men will not be allowed to wear western outfits.
Beard for men and women will be compulsory from age one.
Any boys found in front of female educational institutes will be tried according to terrorism laws.
MTV will be converted into NTV- a new 24-hour naat channel.
All television channels will be put off air. Only news channels will be allowed, with the condition that no female newscasters will be on aired.
Dating will be allowed, but only after marriage.
Fashion shows will only be allowed for females - they would be about burqas, of course.
Music will be banned and all the singers will be exported to India.
Photographs will be removed from passports, CNIC, visas, admit cards etc as photography will be banned.
No extremism will be allowed.
Party slogan
Tere husun ko kissi ki nazar na lagay
Burqa pehen aur apnay aap ko bacha!
Pakistan Media League PML (Newspaper)
Election Symbol: Paper
Party manifesto: Coalition government can be formed with Us magazine party.
All news channels will be directed to break the news the next day after 12:00 PM.
Newspapers will be circulated on hourly basis.
Online issues of all newspapers will be blocked over the Internet.
New censorship rules will be made.
It would be compulsory for time checks to be published in newspapers.
All companies will be made to advertise in the newspapers at least 5 times a week.
All promotional campaigns will be made through newspapers.
The president and the prime minister will address the nation only through newspapers.
The press clubs will be converted into five star entertainment arenas.
The paper and print quality will be made good for all newspapers.
Nobody will be allowed to wrap items like samosaas in newspapers.
Use of newspapers to absorb oil from fried products will be strictly prohibited.
Selling of newspapers as raddi will not be tolerated and will be considered as blasphemous.
Newspapers will be circulated through courier service.
Party Slogan
It's not just paper! It's paper, but with a twist.
Pakistan Media League PML (Electronic)
Election Symbol: Television
Party manifesto: No channel could be banned in future! To do that, an amendment will have to be made in the constitution.
PEMRA will be abolished.
No license will be required to air a channel.
In our government no such things as "Landing Rights" would exist.
All competitive Indian and international channels will be banned.
All channels will only be allowed to be on air for 15 hours of advertisement daily.
All events including news, music, dramas, talk shows, sports, shootouts, wars, bomb blasts, accidents, saas bahu fights will be broadcasted LIVE.
All the people responsible for the above, especially the last 4 categories, will notify the channel at least 2 hours in advance before performing their respective acts.
There will no such thing as EXCLUSIVE for any channel.
All exclusive materials will go on air simultaneously on all channels.
All English news channels will broadcast news in Urdu.
The sarkari TV channel will be privatized.
All households will have television sets according to the number of family numbers.
Channels will follow no ratings, and no censorship will be done.
Time checks will be aired on minute to minute basis.
The Student Party
Election Symbol: Student Biryani/Pharra
Party Manifesto: Our party believes in true democracy and so there will be no one man show.
There would be no principals in schools, as dictatorship will not be tolerated.
Decisions will be made by the elected student body of the school.
Any change in the rules and regulation of schools shall be done through voting.
Voting would be free and fair and would be monitored by the student body of the school.
There will be no uniforms in school.
Subjects like Mathematics, Chemistry, Biology and Physics will be banned.
Pakistan Studies course will be shortened up to 80%.
Schools will remain closed from Monday to Friday and will reopen on weekends only.
No centres will be formed for board exams and the students will take their exams in their respective schools only.
Every classroom will have an air-conditioner and a 50 inch LCD screen.
There will be a special period daily for watching television.
Movies will be shown every alternate day.
It would be compulsory for a student to take exams when and where he/she wants.
Co-education will be made compulsory.
Bonfires, dance parties, concerts and school trips will be held on weekly basis.
There will be no restriction on use of cell phones, iPods, Mp3 players, Play stations, Xbox etc in the classroom.
All major international fast food restaurants including Mc Donald's and KFC etc. will establish their franchises in schools.
The students will be provided with latest laptops and Wi-Max Internet.
Students will check their books, test papers, exam papers themselves.
Party Slogan: Tum kitnay pharray cheeno gai, her jaib say pharra niklay ga
End of Press release
Happy Voting!!!
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