Happy New Year - 2010

Cover Story

Happy New Year!

Published in

Us Magazine - The News International

DATED:[1-JANUARY-2010]

By Waqas Hassan Sharif

Dear friends, we have gathered today to witness history or rather future in the making. Us magazine spent a

few moments with your favourite personalities to find out what their expectations are fro

m the New Year. And this is what they think!

Miss Meera Jee

Us: Salam, Miss Meera Jee, how are you today?

MJ: Slam, fine very, very finer. Thaaanks a lots.

Us: Meera Jee, what do you think about the New Year 2010.

MJ: Weell jee, first of aall I would like to thank God, Ooh my God!! I got away from the Atiq Rehman baby!

Us: Do you believe in meeting him anytime this year?

MJ: No, no I have bigger plans than doing scandals.

Us: Bigger plans??

MJ: Yes jee, I plan to make my own film.

Us: Really?

MJ: Jee, I will be directoring and producttioning Khuda Le Liye II.

Us: Khuda Ke liye, but that's a Shoaib Mansoor project!

MJ: So what? I will make a better and bigger blockbuster, international film.

Us: And how do you plan to do this? Who is being cast for the movie?

MJ: Well, I do the lead in the movie. I will also do an item number.

Us: Item number??? In Khuda Ke Liye?

MJ: Yes jee, it's going to be sung by Hana Monotata.

Us: Hannah Montana, you mean Miley Cyrus?

MJ: Jee jee, wohin Maileey Cyrus.

Us: What about Iman Ali, Fawad and Shaan?

MJ: They are my best buddies but this movie is not about them, it's about Meera Jee and the extremists of the film industry.

Us: No offence, Meera Jee, but Shoaib Mansoor won't allow this.

MJ: Oh that Talibanish Extremusts!!!

Us: Is this film going to be produced in Bollywood?

MJ: Yes, yes, jee, of coarse, Mahesh jee will do the honours.

Us: Hmm. We better not say anything about it. So Meera Jee, what's your message for our readers on the New Year?

MJ: Happy New Year to all my favourite and beautiful fans out there.

Watch my picture Khuda ke liye.

Us: Khuda ke liye nahi!!!!!

President Asif Ali Zardari

Us: Hello Mr President.

PAAZ: Welcome, welcome.

Us: Sir, no offence, but you are the best president we've ever had.

PAAZ: Thank you very much.

Us: You have made history. The greatest democratically elected President in 62 years!

PAAZ: Do you have a cell phone?

Us: Yes, our dear president.

PAAZ: Good! Now forward this message to all the entries in your phonebook.

Us: Yes, sir!

PAAZ: And write my name at the end and not "Samajh tu gaye hongay app."

Us: All right… So, sir, how do you see 2010 as the president.

PAAZ: Well, I will be working very hard for Pakistan and for sustaining democracy in the country…

Us: We are all with you, sir.

PAAZ: I will be visiting USA, the UK, Australia, Canada, Germany, Japan, China, Malaysia, Dubai, Russia, Brazil, Greece, France, Argentina, Italy and Poland.

Us: What about Switzerland?

PAAZ: Switzerland. Oh you naughty…naughty!!!

Us: What about Bermuda Triangle? Pakistanis just might have some peace of mind!

PAAZ: That's a good idea. I will include it in my list.

Us: You should! Sir, people are speculating that the government won't last for five ye

ars as things are getting pretty messed up.

PAAZ: Yay Jamhoriat per hamla hay!

Jamhoriat kay khilaf sazish hay!

Jamhoriat ko destabilize kerna chahtay hain!

Shaheed Bhutto ka piagham le ker pooray Pakistan mien jayenge.

Us: Your future strategy on NRO?

PAAZ: I have come up with a very democratic solution to this problem. I will be issuing NRO II.

Us: NRO II??? But, sir, the NRO was declared void by the Supreme Court.

PAAZ: Well NRO was issued by General Pervez Musharraf in 2007 and it took the Supreme Court more than two years to declare it unconstitutional. NRO II will be bigger and stronger. I will make sure that this time the courts take at least five years to cancel the NRO II.

Us: No doubt your term will finish in 2012, no use watching the movie.

PAAZ: What?

Us: Very impressive strategy, sir, but don't you think the country will go absolutely berserk over this?

PAAZ: For sustaining democracy in the country we will fight with everyone.

Us: Sir, you got rid of GPM. How are things going with the present army chief?

PAAZ: I would like to make it clear that I am not afraid of anybody.

Us: Do you find any difference between Pervez Musharraf and Pervez Kiyani?

PAAZ: First you tell me what's the difference between Pervez Kiyani and Hadiqa Kiyani?

Us: Is that a question?

PAAZ: Yes.

Us: They surely are not related to each other.

PAAZ: Let me tell you, Hadiqa Kiyani is the 30th most beautiful woman in Asia.

Us: Really sir?

PAAZ: Rani Mukherjee is the 33rd.

Us: Yes sir but General Kiyani….

PAAZ: Let me assure you he was not on the list.

Us: Okay sir. Your message on the New Year?

PAAZ: NRO II Khappay Khappay Khappay!!!

Prime Minister Yousuf Raza Gillani

Us: Good day, Mr. Prime Minister!

PMG: Thank you very much. Please ask me only to the point and easy to answer questions.

Us: As you say…So, will you be able to do something by yourself in 2010?

PMG: Let me assure you that 2010 will be the Year of the Parliament.

Us: Is the president taking over the parliament, too, or are you planing to resign?

PMG: Let me call Zardari sahab first and then I'll answer that question.

Us: Sir, does that mean that you cannot answer a question without consulting the president?

PMG: This question is a threat to democracy.

Us: On a personal note, do you plan to change your rather interesting hairstyle this year?

PMG: What is this absurd question!!!

Us: Why did the government ban Dr. Shahid Masood?

PMG: Because he was scaring the people.

Us: But how, sir?

PMG: He was always talking about 'the end. First the world's end, and now the government's end.

Us: But now he is back and doing a show from another location.

PMG: Oh my God!! Qayamat kee aik aur nishani puri ho gaee.

Us: Nowadays you and the president must be very busy, with so many things needing your attention in the country.

PMG: Oh yes, we are responsible leaders. We recently joined Facebook.

Us: But sir, how does that help the country?

PMG: Of course it does! Our diplomatic ties are getting stronger because of it. I recently sent five Farmville gifts to President Obama. After all, we are an agricultural country.

Us: Apparently agriculture is the only culture we know… Your New Year message, sir?

PMG: Yay Jamhoriat per hamla hay!

Jamhoriat kay khilaf sazish hay!

Jamhoriat ko destabilize kerna chahtay hain!

Shaheed Bhutto ka piagham le ker pooray Pakistan mien jayenge!

Imran Khan

Us: So, Mr. Khan, what are your plans for the New Year?

Imran Khan: March. Long, long march.

Us: But why, sir?

IK: Long march is mulk ka jamhoori haq hai. Banana republic main har teen din ke baad nikalta hai.

Us: Sir, it's been a long time since...well...you split up with Jemima…

IK: I am telling you! Agar is mulk kee adlia azaad hoti, toh yeh kabhi na hota!! Bus aik aamir kee waja se…

Us: Um, sir we are talking about YOUR divorce!!

IK: Oh, sorry, sometimes I forget to stop my tape recorder. Khair, divorce Jemima behen ka jamhoori aur aiani haq tha.

Us: Anyway sir, any plans for a second marriage this year?

IK: Of course. For this very purpose, I'll be making an appearance on Shaadi Online this year.

Us: But why sir? Surely even Sheikh Rasheed Sahab is not that desperate.

IK: No! 16 crore awam ka yeh jamhoori haq hai.

Us: But how sir?

IK: Bhai, aik system bana hai. Aap jaen, call karain aur vote karain. Yeh aik bara faisla hai aur is ka aik process hai. Aik aamir ki tarah thori koi decision pooray mulk par nafiz kar saktay hain.

Us: Excuse me, sir we are talking about YOUR marriage!

IK: Oh, sorry, forgot to stop my tape recorder again.

Us: Sir, your message on the New Year?

IK: Well, I miss Musharraf, can't bash this one freely.

General Pervez Musharraf

Us: Hello again, sir! Long time no see. Us was missing you.

GPM: I'm also happy to be back in Us.

Us: So sir, what do you plan to do this year?

GPM: I am thinking of launching my own fashion line.

Us: What???

GPM: I have lately gotten very inspired by the colour black and so, I have decided to base my line on that colour only.

Us: Your source of inspiration if we may ask…

GPM: Listen to me, it all started with Jamia Hafsa: black burqas. Then came the Lawyers Movement. Black, black everywhere on the streets, then came the media blackout. Saare channels chutti per chale gaye. If you are a good observer, you must have noticed that after doffing my uniform off, I wear black suits and sherwanis and I think I also look good in black. And you know, black is ruling the world, literally.

Us: Sir, are you afraid that now cases will be registered against you?

GPM: Hahahaha! When that happens, give me a missed call.

Us: Your new number?

GPM: Oh, mera number hai 0900420420, aur mera network hai Pong Tong kyun ke meray hain bahut saaray international friends aur Pong Tong se milain mujhey lowest international call rates.

Us: What are you future plans about delivering lectures?

GPM: After delivering my lectures in the US and the UK I will fly back straight to Pakistan and give my lecture at Namal University, Mianwali. I'm very excited about meeting Imran Khan.

Us: Wish you all the best, sir! Now your message fon the New Year?

GPM: I'll be BACK!!!

llustrations taken from the Internet