Emergency
Breaking News!
By Waqas Hassan Sharif
This is Jeenay Do TV and we would like to break the news that President General Pervaiz Musharraf has imposed emergency in the country. We would like to remind you that we are the first channel to break this news! We are trying to contact higher government officials, but we are getting no answer. This time round, emergency has been imposed due to the ongoing security situation in the country. We will keep you updated with it, and of course we are always the first ones to report it. We will keep you up to date with the developments of today and bring you news, views, reviews and reviews of the news, views and reviews.
We have finally succeeded in contacting General Musharraf himself; let's see what he has to say.
JDTV: Slam, General Sahab!
Mush: What! Slam, yes I will!
JDTV: Sorry, sir, Asalam-o-aliakum.
Mush: Wasalam, pehele ye batao kahan se baat ker rahe ho?
JDTV: Sir, Jeenay Do TV.
Mush: Tum log! I have banned you people! Don't call me again. Bye!
JDTV: Sir, please sir, why aren't you talking to Us?
Mush: Aray baba emergency lagi hui hai, sub channels per pabandi hai, tum se baat ki tu sab se kerni paregi, mujh ko bhi jeenay do, bye!
JDTV: Looks like General Sahab has disconnected the call, we will try to contact him again.
JDTV calls again!
Mush: Who are you and where are you calling from?
JDTV: Sir, we are calling from PTV.
Mush: Ok, good. What's up?
JDTV: Sir, we want to ask why, how and when did you impose emergency in the country?
Mush: Yaar, bhai dekho, abhi two hours pehle I decided to impose emergency. So I called 15 and rescue 1122 in Punjab.
JDTV: 15 and Rescue 1122?
Mush: Aray baba emergency mien in logon ko hi call kertien hain na, abhi tum call rakhoge to Edhi waloon ko bhi call karoonga.
JDTV: Judiciary has been suspended. Why, sir?
Mush: Oye! Where did you say you were calling from?
JDTV: Sir, ummh...aammh, PTV.
Mush: You think I am stupid? Tumhara number agaya CLI per mere pass. Ye tu Dubai ka number hai. Jhoot boltay ho.
JDTV: Nahi, sir. We are not lying. We are seriously calling from PTV.
Mush: Oye, kon sa PTV.
JDTV: Sir, Private Television.
Mush: Acha mere saath game khelte ho. Abhi tum sab ko band kerwata hoon. Mera mood acha nahi hai aaj, pangaa na lena mujh se.
JDTV: Extremely sorry, sir, itni muskil se call milli hai. Sir, please baat tu kerlien na thori se aur, please!
Mush: Pehle ye batao where did you get my number from. I have just bought a new sim. It's not even registered.
JDTV: Sir, woh girls college ke bahir dewaar per likha tha aap ka number, aur likha tha 'call me babes, I am free!'
Mush: Kya?
JDTV: Sorry, sir. Woh BB se mila aap ka number!
Mush: Mujh ko maloom tha, ye private sim maine chupke se li thi sirf BB se baat kerne ke liye. Acha khair, ask me whatever you want to ask.
JDTV: What's PCO?
Mush: Public Call Office.
JDTV: Nahi, sir. Jo aap nay impose kiya hai 1973 Constitution ke badlay mien.
Mush: Woh PCO, bhai listen to me, this is a marketing strategy. Mobiles ke waja se PCO business has suffered a lot. Sab ke paas mobiles agaye koi PCOs jata hi nahi tha. Ab PCO ki publicity ho gi tu in ka thora kam dhanda chalay ga.
JDTV: Sir, why have you banned all private channels including entertainment, music and sports ones?
Mush: Aray kahan ban hain sirf tum logoon ke...
JDTV: Sir, wait, hold kerain!
Mush: Main hold keroun, are you in your senses?
JDTV: Sir, please, sir, woh time check chalana hai.
Tick tick tick!! tungggg
12:00 o' clock, this time check is brought to you by
Home Land Insecurities
Jis tarhah abhi 12:00 baje hain, usi tarha agar aap ke chehre per bhi apni biwi se lernay kay baad 12:00 baj chuke hain to fikar na ki jiye ga. Hum hain na! Ab hum aap ko muaqa deitey hain! Aap bhi apne ghar mein emergency nafiz ker saktay hain. Is tarha aap apni biwi ke tamaam huqoq chien saktay hain aur us ko nazarband bhi ker saktay hain!
Agar aap aisa kerna chahain tu abhi dial kijiye 0900-420-420*
(*call charges @ Rs 72 per minute, exclusive of taxes)
JDTV: Hello, sir, you there?
Mush: Haan bhai hoon!
JDTV: Sir, we have Dr. Shahee Masoor in the studio with us. He would like to ask some questions.
Mush: Nahi, nahi. I don't want to talk to him. Demagh ki dahi ker deta hai. What's the next question?
JDTV: Sir, please answer the previous question first.
Mush: Haan tum logoon ke channels kyun band hain, listen to me, they are banned because you people are promoting terrorism, hatred for the government etc etc.
JDTV: Promoting terrorism, hatred for the government! How, sir?
Mush: Let me explain, listen to me. Let's start with terrorism. Tum logo ka channel hai AAG TV! Uss per humesha chalta rehta hai kay AAG laga do AAG laga do. See the reaction to that! So many fires have started breaking out in Karachi. Suicide bombing hoti hai tu sab se pehle AAG lagti hai, phir come to entertainment channel! Khuda k ay Liye mai request kerta hoon, ab bas bohat ho gaya Khuda kay Liye maine 10 martaba dekhli aur tum log is kay promos chalana band hi nai kertay ho! Aik hi cheez bar bar - boring and monotonous. Ab kab tak Iman Ali ko dekhein!
JDTV: Sir, what about sports and especially the news channels?
Mush: They are promoting hatred among the people for the government.
JDTV: Sports channels?
Mush: Abhi Pakistan India ki series chal rahi hai. Expert opinion ke liye tum log Imran Khan ko call kertay ho. He doesn't talk about cricket. He starts talking against ME, and my government. Same with the news channel. Ye batao woh tumhara promo tha Geo Musharraf ya geenay do Musharraf! Woh band ker kay BB kay chalana start kerdia. How dare you?
JDTV: Sir, that was a part of the presidential election coverage.
Mush: Have I taken the oath for the second time as president?
JDTV: No, Sir.
Mush: So start airing them.
JDTV: Okay, sir
Mush: I mean now!
JDTV: Now, okay, sir.
Mush: And listen all Geo Musharraf should go on air!
JDTV: Yes, yes, of course, sir.
Promos go on air!
AWAM KI AWAAZ....
GEO MUSHARRAF ya JEENAY DO MUSHARRAF
SADARTI ELECTION 2007!!
Message 1
Aap kay dor mien hum ko waqt ki ehmiat ka andazaa hua. Her channels per, har 15 minute baad time check chalanay se. Hum awam ko waqt ki qadar hui.
Geo Musharraf!
Message 2
Aap kay dor-e-hukoomat mien SMS 7.5 paisas ka ho gaya! Hum ko paisa ki ehmiat ka andzaa hua.
Geo Musharraf!
Message 3
During your rule we were very happy to find a new national hero, commander safeguard!!
Geo Musharraf!
Message 4
Your slogan of Enlightened Moderation has helped us a lot in getting dates. Girls are easier to get. Geo Musharraf!
JDTV: Sir, is it okay!
Mush: Yes, yes abhi Duraani say keh kar cable on kerwata hoon!
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